A Pause Midway Across the Stream

They call it the rectors curse. I thought I was immune to it. I had a strong spiritual life with a strong adherence to praying the hours, leading a 4th day group which prompted me to engage in Lectio Divina, regularly. I regularly attended Mass and served as minister. The biggest arrow in my quiver was being married to strongly spiritual woman who supports me daily. I was wrong. I was not immune.

Starting within days of my year as Weekend leader I began to experience mild but persistent pain in my low back and groin. Eventually a diagnosis of chronic prostatitis was made and that diagnosis was altered to chronic recurrent prostatitis. Yes, the gift that keeps giving. Ha Ha. Once the prostatitis was finally being brought under control, kidney stones began to become an issue. In time they also began to settle down as the medication helped keep them from growing.

I began to believe that I was getting a handle on things, one of the medications drained me of potassium and I began to feel like a 100 year old heart patient. No enough. The slightest effort caused me to gasp for air and to become lightheaded. Once I figured out what the issue I dropped the medication and things once again began to improve. Only then did I realize a blood pressure medication was giving me fits so I had to discontinue it as well. Sigh. Woe is me. But wait there is more.

Just when I thought I was in the clear, the vertigo set in. I was right back in a old kettle of soup coming back to a boil. Time for a whole new batch of medical tests which are still going on. Fortunately nothing seems to be showing up that is of concern. The vertigo is fading and optimism is growing again that I might be back to normal – whatever that might be for me.

Concurrent with the onset of groin issues last fall, I was slammed by surprisingly severe relapse of depression between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Fortunately it eased up without the need to intervene. The cause? It may be because I started to fall of my chosen path and spiritual direction.

I have been able to self correct some a couple of times but the real struggle is not physical or emotional but is, much to my surprise, spiritual. All of the good habits faded and I have called into persistent acedia. This is the real damage the curse has caused me. I have made some half hearted efforts to correct my direct but temptation has pulled me away.

There is truth to the curse. The prince of darkness sets his focus on the weekend leaders to distract them, to weaken their resolve and to make difficult their path and struggle. My lack of humility left me open to attack. I am reminded that the one thing the devil cannot over come is humility.

As I survey the landscape I find myself fortunate to have the weekend well planned with the help of many men and women. All that really remains is to find candidates. Well, maybe there is more. I need to find my way again but not through strength but through weakness so his grace will be enough for me.

I offer up my failure to resist temptation, my spiritual sloth, my reluctance to feed my spirit through prayer and study and my self reliance to you oh Lord. Let me empty myself as Eckhart taught us through your loving revelation to him. Let me yield my ego and let you guide and direct me. Let today be the first step back to you. You have given me great opportunities to evangelize for you and serve you. I wish to seize those opportunities and to do so in way that reflects on you and I am just a mirror of your image.

On this day where sit just a short distance from the graves of my father and grandparents, I look at the mountains and hills that impassively observed my growing up and my comings and goings. My hope will come from those mountains because they call to mind the glory of your creation and the great gifts you have given me. Psalm 121 comforts me.

Psalm 119 calls to me to turn myself back over to you and to ask for your forgiveness and blessing.

Psalm 119:145-152
XIX (Koph)
A meditation on God’s law

Loving God means keeping his commandments (1 John 5:3).

I call with all my heart; Lord, hear me, *
I will keep your statutes.
I call upon you, save me *
and I will do your will.

I rise before dawn and cry for help, *
I hope in your word.
My eyes watch through the night *
to ponder your promise.

In your love hear my voice, O Lord; *
give me life by your decrees.
Those who harm me unjustly draw near; *
they are far from your law.

But you, O Lord, are close, *
your commands are truth.
Long have I known that your will *
is established for ever.

Amen