I have attempted to
narrowly restrict my energy on a burden that, like an timeless ember that is
never spent but lies in the hearth of my soul. It is always there. While there
are times when I am not distracted by it, it is still there, waiting to burst into
flame and consume whatever tranquility might be in play.
It, of course, is
anger. I don't like it. I don't want it. It serves me no good purpose. It is,
like any fire, that rages out unrestricted, destructive. If I could drown it
with God given peace and serenity I would do so but so far I have had only
fleeting and minimal success.
This topic comes to
the forefront now because anger has been haunting me in the realm of social
media. I am pro-life. Completely, totally and without limitation. Abortion
should be eliminated without exception. My perception is that anyone who is
pro-abortion is morally bankrupt because they facilitate evil by advocating the
existence of a choice to end the life of a baby. I reserve a special rage,
cultivated over time, for Catholics who are pro-abortion, particularly Catholic
politicians in legislatures, congress, in executive positions or members of a
court. If there were another level to my fury, it would be reserved for judges
and justices who fail to apply the law in a way the represents the moral fabric
of our faith.
I am also concerned
about end of life issues, referring to euthanasia and assisted suicide. I believe there is nothing but the most gauzy
of fabric separating a society where there is not only a right to die but a duty
to die. Just look at what is happening in Belgium and the Netherlands. Also,
consider the circumstances in Oregon where a terminally ill person was refused
treatment by the state Medicaid office but in the same letter of denial was
offered the option of assisted suicide.
The anger over life
issues is not new but it has grown over the years as an increasingly secular
society nudges closure and closer to normalizing abortion at any term of
pregnancy and the expansion of when euthanasia and assisted suicide are
permissible.
I don't believe it
is strictly a religious belief to say no one has the right to take a life, any
life for any reason beyond the exceptions expressly laid out in the Catechism.
The furious efforts
of state legislatures to remove any semblance of restrictions on abortion
fanned the flames of my indignation and they have been consuming me ever since.
The fact a Catholic governor and 10 Catholic senators have taken positions
counter to the church has been aggravatingly infuriating.
While this kind of
anger is referred to as moral anger, righteous anger, I have come to think of
is a big A anger. The kind of anger that holds a noble purpose with an end goal
promoting change that would create a culture of life where a culture of death
is becoming increasingly and insidiously pervasive. A God permitted anger with
a high minded purpose.
Unfortunately it is
still anger and anger in general, call it small "a" anger is a poison
for me. After succumbing to the temptation to engage with the world out there,
I came to the decision the first step in fighting little "a" anger is
to not give breathe to big "A" anger. As is said in the AA Big Book,
there are those who can handle self-righteous anger without risk of personal
damage but we who are alcoholic cannot. For us unbridled anger leads to
resentment and resentment leads to drink.
In order rob the
fire of fuel, I deactivated my Facebook account thereby removing the primary
source of my exposure to things that inflame me. It is a shame it came to that
because Facebook also had benefits related to social contact with friends and
family. I miss the daily banter about children, pets, travel, sports and even
the stupid pet memes but I don't miss the constant barrage of political and
religious commentary. I found postings with both liberal and conservative
slants irritating and pointless. While there was a limited amount of
thoughtful, nuanced and considerate debate, most postings were insulting,
inflammatory and, quite often, ridiculously inaccurate.
I have wandered far
astray. My goal was to find a way to blunt or deflect my anger against the
pro-choice community and to make peace with, it galls me to admit, pro-choice
Catholics. I want to give those who are genuinely in agreement that compassion
grows from choice the same grace I want to be given. While there is virtually
no chance I will be able to sway someone from one side to the other, at least I
want to find a way to reach some level of harmony.
There is no doubt I
have become too invested in abortion when I look at people I see out in the
world and wonder if they pro-choice or pro-life. I even wonder sometimes if a
woman has had an abortion. If the numbers are to believed, 3 women of every 10
I see in a grocery store has either had an abortion or considered it regardless
of whether they are Catholic or not. Some people make value judgements about
other people based upon age, race, sex, religion, identification, body type or
even hair color. Not me. None of those things make any difference. My soul
concern is about their position on life issues. That, I have come to realize,
it is not acceptable.
As I research the
issue online I find references to moral outrage being not only appropriate but
is an expected response to issues like abortion. I have said already it might
be ok for others but I don't want something I literally have not control over to
play such a dominate role in my life. I know that finding commonality and joint
concern is more important in long run but I struggle with how to get there.
Little "a"
anger is a much broader and deeper for me than big "A" anger. It is
something I have to overcome to preserve vital relationships and, just as
importantly, to find a peaceful niche in life.
Now that I have made
a deliberate and intentional intention to turn from a path that is a straight
collision course with things that set me off, I need to make another decision.
I pretend I don't the answer but I do. Deflection and denial are pointless. Everything
I have learned makes my next step disconcertingly clear. The next step is
acceptance.
I have to accept
there is deep divide over life issues in our culture and our world and that
equally compassionate and concerned people populate both sides of the chasm. I
have to accept that large number people who are important to me and bring value
and meaning to life are on the other side. The breech will never be healed, the
debate will never be resolved. I am not sure there is any kind of acceptable
compromise possible. I have to accept that. All I can do is pray about it and
let the Holy Spirit do what the Holy Spirit intends.
The next step after
acceptance is let go. How can I truly live my faith as a Catholic and Christian
if I don't let go? To not let go is something called practical atheism. How can
I say I believe in God when I don't let God be God?
What struck me today
is the answer to anger, if I really want to be rid of it, is to accept what
angers me and then to let go. I spent a year studying Meister Eckhart and I
take to heart everything he taught about letting go so there will be less and
less of me which is devoted to my false self so there will be more more space
for God to inhabit me so I can be my true self to degree we can forgive our
foibles and quirks.
I will not give up
on creating a culture of life but I long to choose a path where I can lead with
compassion, patience and understanding and with a consist ethic that does not
smack of shallowness or ignorance.
I can't just focus
on big "A" anger but I have to also work on little "a"
anger as well. It is the root of the problem, my real enemy. I pray, God help
me to set aside annoyance and irritation which are the kindling fuel a
destructive burst of anger. I humbly and desperately pray for this.
Again, acceptance is
the answer.
Let the work
begin.
