Faces of Fear - Day Two: Matthew 6:25-39

“I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet ' heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin. But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’ All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom [of God] and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.

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Not only does fear have many faces, it has many levels. In first century Israel, fear was different than it is for me today. I have a well-stocked pantry and freezer. I have more clothing than I have a right to possess and money to last my lifetime and, if they are thrifty, for the lifetime of my children Medications and health care providers are easily abundant for me and my home is heated and cooled to deal with all kinds of weather. There is no reasonable expectation anyone will challenge me with a weapon more dangerous than a wicked wit and my enemies, if I have any, don’t really want to destroy me. In the time of Christ, however, hunger was never more than a day away for the vast majority of people. There was no way to predict when the Romans or some other military force might not just march into town and destroy everything. If I am wronged civilly, I have full legal address. In those days justice was more of a theory than an everyday reality.

If someday, water doesn’t flow out of the faucet in my home on demand, there is likely some way to easily remedy the problem. In short, what is there for me to worry about when my present circumstances are compared to those of my ancestors in faith. My ancestors by blood, during this same period of time, had a proclivity of getting naked and painted so they could wage battle on tribes. I suspect they were even worse off from than the those living in Palestine.

Jesus assures me I have nothing to worry about. As compared to birds or flowers, I don’t. In fact I am in far greater danger of harming myself by over consumption than from any physical threat. Yet I fear and I fear greatly and I fear many things. I even am afraid I will never know the extent of my fear. Why? To put a sad spin on Psalm 139, it is because I am built that way.

The last 24 hours I have lived in fear that began with low hum and it rose in volume until it became a silent scream. Now as this day slides toward an end, the fear has drained away like water from an over turned cup. All that is left behind is the residue of the fear that lays on me like a hangover.

The fear was not rationale but it was palpable and it has an understandable origin. My wife and I have experienced 3 pregnancies and only one of them resulted a living child. The other two were late stage losses that remain as tangible as they were when the first happened more the 3 decades ago. The third pregnancy that had a joyful outcome still battered us with long, scary and, for my wife, excruciating, 18 hour battle that was only decided after an emergency C-section.

Where did all of this overarching fear originate? My son called me late morning yesterday with the happy news that his first child, our first grandchild was entering the world. Everyone was in great shape. The baby’s vital signs were strong, my a daughter in law was in great spirits and my son was, well, over the top excited not just for them but for us as well.

I had done fairly well during the pregnancy to not fall into crippling anxiety as I relived our experiences years ago. Yes there was a distant tugging that tried to pull me away from being completely thrilled but I rarely felt much real fear, something that surprised me since I fully expected to be locked in combat with irrational thoughts. Yesterday, however, as the hours stretched out and crawled by, the fear began to rise in me as if it were an unwelcome party guest.

The calls and texts back and forth slowed to a stop and the times between contacts grew further and further apart. Finally by 11PM, I was completely exhausted not only because I had just finished a 3 day retreat that sucked virtually all of my energy but because the past pushed into the present with a vividness and intensity that I found shocking. Lori was feeling and experiencing much of the same feelings and emotions.

Somehow, I fell asleep, and surprisingly slept most of the night and had even fallen asleep after having been roused by my aging prostate. On awakening, however, I realized there had been no contact during the night apart from a brief text around 1AM saying that hard labor had set in. Fear and anxiety intensified incrementally. I prayed the hours, read and reread this passage from Matthew and then began a literal litany of the Jesus prayer. My stomach began to churn and my blood sugar rocketed up and I could feel a rapid heartbeat ramping up incrementally every few minutes.

I was convinced, absolutely convinced something had gone horribly wrong. I knew from bitter experience, things can take a terrible turn. After all, we experienced loss twice and we has also endured a long labor that failed to produce a baby without extreme measures. Finally at about 7:00 a text came. The baby had come. All were well. The concerns were unfounded or at least unrealized.

What happened next didn’t really surprise me. The fear and anxiety did not break as they should have with the great news. All that really happened is they did not escalate further. Without being there to see with my own eyes what was happening, I could not trust what I had been told. As the minutes turned hours without any further news or pictures, the remaining emotions and feelings jelled and refused to abate.

I decided to go work because I had been away from the office for several days and I wanted to deal with any issues that may have arisen while I was gone because we planned to leave for Missoula where my son and his family (gee, it feels good to say that word, family) live as soon as they were ready to see us. One of my co-workers was very concerned by my very surprising lack of high spirits and excitement. She was far more excited for me than I was for myself. I could not really explain why I was down when I should be up. Fear like mine doesn’t lend itself to being easily described.

Later on after we got to Missoula and learned more of the details, there were some complications that made things complicated and very difficult to endure but were never really dangerous. Even once I had Jane in my arms, it took a while for the last of the fear fade away and be replaced with a sense I was looking into the face of the continuum life and all is as it should be. Finally.
I know fear will come back again. Other concerns are already tugging at me but the lesson for me today is that despite how hard it is for me to not worry and to trust, I know worry is pointless but the worry can’t just be shouted down, as much as I wish. The difference is that even if I can’t manage the worry, I can manage my response. Without prayer and hope I would have been lost to despair.

As I was holding my granddaughter, (yes I am actually saying it) I looked out the window into the very tip tops of some 30 feet tall trees and saw 3 magpies sitting on the limb, lined up in a row looking in the window at me. I heard what they had been sent to say about trusting in God.

I can’t make fear go away but I can live through it with the help of faith acknowledged by mercy and grace. No matter how fearful I might become, I will never yield and surrender to it because I know, and not just believe, God will be there no matter how things turn out. That means everything will be ok in the end no matter what the end looks like.

Faces of Fear : Day One Psalm 23 10/1/2019

A couple of weeks ago on Labor Day I attended a 7:00 meeting and my friend Martha made the comment that fear had really been rocking her recently. Her comment started me thinking and by the end of the meeting, I shared with her that fear is also an issue for me. If there is one thing, I have learned over 12 years of recovery and 10 years of concentrated faith and spirituality study is fear is a big deal. I have read, been told and experienced that virtually ever since person in recovery is afflicted by fear, fear that something we must have will be denied or something we must keep will be taken away.The subject of fear is vague because the answer of exactly what we are worried about losing or not being able to keep is different for each person when viewed from a granular level. There are themes, of course, shared by many but my exact fears are personal to me and different from anyone else's fear.

Talking to Martha, I expounded further on the commonality we share with so many others and how fear could continue to dominate us in ways that are difficult to comprehend. She voiced appreciation for knowing she was not alone and while the fear remained, there is comfort in knowing that fear is not fatal when kept in checked and it is burden, we carry together.

After the meeting I continued to ruminant on fear and the more I pondered the awareness that I really, I had not dealt with fear in focused manner, taking it on with courage and determination to put fear in box where I could manage it. 

I have stared down the countless forms fear can take but I have never pulled back the curtain or pulled the plug from the bottle so I could challenge the root of all of my issues and not just fight little fires that did nothing to address the core fires burning deep within. 

Over the next few days I understood other things. It dawned in that half of the population of the US shares the type of personality as I do and that means that every other person you meet might potentially be racked by fear that is ever present, every minute of every day. Unless the fear is countered it will suck away at the life force behind the good part of everyone one afflicted by fear. 

In one blinding moment I saw the totality of my life in full. Every little hurt I experience, every little hesitation I feel, every decision and every relationship is shadowed by fear. It is always been, it still and it always will be no matter what I do. Every day the game begins again, every hour the clock resets to zero and I must be vigilant, constantly on guard for whatever jab fear would stick in my heart.  In order to compensate, I have ignored fear, called it different things, projected it on others in life including my family and then blamed them for fault that is not with them but with me. 

We are taught to face up to the problems we encounter in life that we might over the come them and then move on. That concept misses the real point. There is no overcoming. The problem is unsolvable in this life. This reality pushed me deeply in to despair. There is no getting better, no magic cure. There will always be fear and the fear will last for the rest of my life. 

The enormity of this burden very nearly flattened me, and I became angry, disheartened and, well, frighten about what a life lived in fear might look like. Gradually as the shock wore off, I remembered I am not alone and that are multitudes of people who also face fear daily and manage to get along. After all, I have managed well for 6+ decades. The question, after I gave myself a good slap upside the head, what do I do about it.

 It did not take long for me to realize I already have a quiver full of arrows and a shield I have been using with some success in recent years. All I really need to do is just go eyeball to eyeball with the real enemy and not one of its deceptive faces. 

The first and best arrow is named. Lined out in elvish along the shank are the words, "Pray without ceasing." The shield bears an emblem, a Celtic Cross with this word boldly stamped on the top, "Faith." I was immediately calmed in way that resonated deep down inside me. The only thing new to the battle was the understanding that I should not be distracted by false images but to drive straight ahead into the next skirmish directly against the king of the enemy.

Time to rejoin the battle. As a first step I turned to Bible for some ideas where to start. We all know the words, "be not afraid" are in the bible at least 365 times. I know this is true because my saintly grandmother kept devotional in her bath that consisted of 365 scripture refences and reflections on the very same topic.

I quickly came to choose the 23rd Psalm as the initial for the simple reason I cannot remember when I learned about the Psalm and learned to hold it closely to my heart, coming back to visit it at times during the scope of life. 

It was the first and perhaps best reference point for facing fear. There is so much to cover, so many ways fear handicaps, so many different forms fear takes that I may not get to the all even if I push this project out to 40 days. For today, however, let’s keep it simple. "Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." 

Let's take a breath, sit down and just chill. We are protected. We are comforted. Whatever we encounter, He can handle for us if we ask.

Amen.