Transforming

Several weeks ago I announced to a group of friends that it was unlikely that I was going to return on an annual fishing trip I had been going on for over 15 years. It was bombshell for many but interestingly enough, less of a surprise to others. I had been one of the original organizers of the trip that began with a group of 6 -8 guys but had grown into a mob of 27 this year. The transition from ring leader to a drop out was dizzying. When I asked why I knew I had come for what was probably the last time, I struggled for a simple response that would both be accurate but sensitive. The simple answer was that I am in a different place than I was. You hear about couples that divorce because they had grown apart. In a very basic way, I had grown apart from the trip. The time had come to say goodbye. I hope that the guys and gals continue to make the trip and perhaps I will come back again some year but in my heart I know it is not likely.

Where is that different place I am now? I can’t tell you because it is not really a place. It is, instead, a journey, a journey downstream to a different way of living. At that time of the last trip I could not predict where I will be next year or in years to follow but I just knew that my journey would not take me back to that river at that time. I know now that next year the trip will fall on the same weekend as Easter. Given my new role as participant in the celebration of Holy Week, I would have chosen to not go so that I could remain home to celebrate the most important week of the year. The year after that, the trip will happen on the same weekend as a Preparation for Lay Ministry (PFLM) education weekend. Missing that weekend to go fishing is simply not an option.

The real story to be told is why Easter Weekend or a PFLM Education weekend would suddenly take priority over a traditional fishing trip. This is something that would have been unthinkable 3 years but it is now choice made without any real regret. When you consider that I used to choose fishing over just about everything else in my life, this change represents a major shift in perspective. In fact I am haunted by the memory of the year when the trip conflicted with my younger son's first communion and but for the instance of my wife I would have missed the event. As turns out I made the trip but came back a day early so I could be there. Then there was another time when I missed a play production the same son was participating in so I could stay home and tie flies to get ready for this trip. I wish I could plead insanity but while alcholism is a disease we still have to account for actions we take while we in the disease.

Actually the real story is the journey but the story will take time to tell, more time than we have for now.

The answer why I would choose to not go is simple. I found that happiness and fulfillment are found in seeking out God’s will for me and in living in accordance with his plan for me to the best of my ability. That means sometimes I will go fishing but my first devotion will be to my life in Christ. As time goes by, I will share the story of my journey with the hope those who read it will begin to understand the nature of my changing. The words that flow out of me are the ones that remain in my mind after I ask for the Lord’s help in understanding what the next right thing is that he expects of me.

I have been drawn to write that I might understand what has happened and what is happening as the journey continues. It is my since hope that what I write will be a source of healing, inspiration and understanding. My friends have asked how and what has happened to me. There is no simple, one word answer that really captures the essence of what is happened. The word that comes closest is transformation. I am being transformed to reflect His image.

There was not one person among the 27 who came this year that I would not love to fish with again. I pray that I will fish each again for I am not turning away from them. I hope each person understands this for I have true love in my heart for all. Some of the them are truly my best friends and they are the ones least surprised by my decision because they have seen it coming for a long time.

Peace to you.

There was never enough

In the last months of her life, our ancient Labrador, Madison, lost weight in spite of our best efforts to keep her well nourished. In her prime she weighed over 90 pounds and we struggled to keep her weight down but in her last days her weight dropped down to under 70 pounds. Even that number was inflated because of the presence of some very large fatty tumors that developed in her later years. Her true weight was likely less than 60 pounds. As she aged, she simply lost the enzymes needed to efficiently digest food so more and more nutrition simply passed through. She was, literally, starving away while being as much food as she could consume. We simply could not feed her enough to fill her up.

That is how I was before I began this journey of recovery and discovery. Not from a physical standpoint, of course, but from an emotional and spiritual perspective, I simply could get be filled up. For many years I smoked a pipe. My collection began with two cheap pipes from a discount rack in a tobacco shop but by the time I finally quit, my collection had grown to over 70 pipes. There is no conceivable way I could ever use that many pipes but right up the time I stopped, I routinely shopped for pipes. I was searching for the perfect pipe, one with the bowl that was perfectly smooth and the stem had just the right bend. The size of the pipe had to be big enough for me to tamp it easily with a callused and scarred finger but not so big that it was too heavy to smoke comfortably. I was searching for a pipe that would make me happy.

And so it was with just about everything that caught my fancy. Clothes, fly rods, guns, reloading equipment, fly tying material, books and the list went on and on. I relentlessly chased material possessions thinking that each new possession would be that one thing that would make me happy. So I consumed and acquired relentlessly but no matter how much I had, I was still hungry. There was never enough.

My spiritual malaise damaged my relationship with people, the people whom I valued the most. If only my children did certain things in a certain way not only would they be happy but I would be too. The same was true of my wife, my mother, my sister and with every other human. If only they could understand what I needed and give it to me I would be happy and they would be happy too. But no one person could ever do enough to make me happy. How can one human ever give another that which creates happiness because that thing can never be given but only accepted.

Now we consider God. I could never be so bold or honest to truly admit that I wanted to Him to give me what I wanted. I determined to just take care of things myself. I lost the ability to talk with God, to pray simply as He asks of us. All I could do was to recite the prayers of our faith but the prayers were of no value. If there is no honesty behind words spoken to God, the words do not have enough volume for God to hear them and respond. I could not pray enough because I was so focused on what I wanted that he could not fill me with what I needed.

Finally one freezing cold November day it became clear to me that I was at risk of losing everything I held dear to me. Many talk of hitting bottom. To this day I don’t feel like I hit bottom as much as I found myself in an out of control boat headed directly toward falls and rapids so immense that passage over and the through them was not survivable. The roar of the falling water finally grew so loud I could no longer pretend disaster was not before me.

In the days and weeks to come I will talk of how the stream of my life now flow toward the still waters of the 23rd Psalm. The lethal rapids have been tamed and I know now I swim in the waters of God’s immense love. In the days and weeks to come, I will write about Cutthroat’s new stream, one that is filled with refreshing clear waters spoke of by our ancestors in faith and spirit.
Peace be with you.