Imortal Diamond - Week 8

 A rare day of rain for us here today has opened the door for quiet reflection and writing. I am happy to be able to post early in the week rather than at the 11th hour. 

Fr. Richard says, "that our fear of death is actually our fear of God."

1. How have you seen that to be true in your life or the life of others?

There is a curious paradigm for me in this question. As an Enneagram 6, I live in fear as a default, but my fear is cluttered up with the trivial concerns of the false self. I ask myself pointless questions:

• What did I forget to do yesterday?
• Did I repay Joe for the cash he lent for lunch last week?
• Should I call my mother?
• Is my wife unhappy with me today?
• Did I feed the cat?

Patiently I have to work through the questions as they pop up and use the tools earned over the years to put the trivial in perspective so I can move on with the flow of the day. When you ask me if I am afraid of death, I can honestly say I am not. Big things are easier for me to deal with the minutiae because the true self pops up when the times are most difficult. I am somewhat fearful of heights and it takes work to get over my hesitation to look over the railings and edges that mark the transitions between high places and low. My hesitation I think is more focused on the fear of the sensation of falling then than on what might happen when I land.

The truth is I have some risk factors that put me at risk even though I am currently in no danger, but I live with the knowledge I might go out to the mailbox but then suffer a stroke that will keep me from ever going back into the house again. It happened to my aunt when she suffered a stroke on her way to the mailbox. My fear is not that I will die should I have a stroke but that I will not die, and I will have to endure what she did for months before peace came for her. The other truth is I suffer from a fatal disease but it is a disease where I can make a daily decision to live another day in remission from the effects of the disease. 

When death knocked on the door for an elderly man who lived next door, his wife asked me to come to be with him. This man was like Zacchaeus in stature but like a giant in his faith.  He attended Mass virtually daily and was greatly loved by his family. As his walk came to end, he sometimes showed fear and intense emotion. I finally asked him why he was so afraid of death because he radiated faith so intensely and passionately at other times. I reminded him he has survived two serious cancer bouts and so facing death was nothing new to him. He took my hand and looked me in the eye saying he was not afraid of being dead, he had no fear whatsoever, but he was afraid of dying badly. I understood him. He did not fear God he was afraid of himself. This morning, years later I now finally understand his fear. He was concerned his false self would get in the way of dying well. At that moment, however, I was able to smile, squeeze his hand, and assure him he was dying a good death.

This has not been a common experience, to be more afraid of dying than of death, for those who are not taking their steps. They live like God is keeping a scorecard every day, recording missed strokes or lost balls. I have to ask myself if my false self is getting in the way of having peace and joy given the sure and certain knowledge of the life after death promised by an ever-merciful God.

2. How have you witnessed God allowing and using your "diversionary tactics [False Self] to get [you] to the full destination [True Self]"?

I believe we touched on this before. My seeming unstoppable need for approval and recognition often pushes me to take steps intended to will the good of another but really begin with intentions to will the good of myself. The great blessing of my life is God has permitted a beneficial outcome for those character defects by pushing the power of the Holy Spirit through the imperfect vessel that is me. Thank God for that – I take solace God has been able to use brokenness to further his well. I am only one of the countless examples who have benefitted from his ability to take Good from the Un-good.

 

Mark 10:32-45 At what price ambition?

Mark 10:32-45

The disciples were on the way, going up to Jerusalem, and Jesus went ahead of them.

They were amazed, and those who followed were afraid. Taking the Twelve aside again, he began to tell them what was going to happen to him.

“Behold, we are going up to Jerusalem, and the Son of Man
will be handed over to the chief priests and the scribes,
and they will condemn him to death and hand him over to the Gentiles who will mock him, spit upon him, scourge him, and put him to death,
but after three days he will rise.”

Then James and John, the sons of Zebedee, came to Jesus and said to him,
‘Teacher, we want you to do for us whatever we ask of you.”



He replied, ‘What do you wish me to do for you?”

They answered him, “Grant that in your glory we may sit one at your right and the other at your left.”

Jesus said to them, “You do not know what you are asking. Can you drink the chalice that I drink or be baptized with the baptism with which I am baptized?”

They said to him, ‘We can.”

Jesus said to them, “The chalice that I drink, you will drink, and with the baptism with which I am baptized, you will be baptized; but to sit at my right or at my left is not mine to give but is for those for whom it has been prepared.”

When the ten heard this, they became indignant at James and John.

Jesus summoned them and said to them, “You know that those who are recognized as rulers over the Gentiles lord it over them, and their great ones make their authority over them felt. But it shall not be so among you. Rather, whoever wishes to be great among you will be your servant; whoever wishes to be first among you will be the slave of all. For the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve
and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

James and John along with the other disciples are keeping Jesus company on his travels. In the preceding passage, they are traveling to Jerusalem when Jesus will enter into his passion.

I am not sure how James and John could miss the message Jesus shared about what was to happen but miss it they did.

From our perspective looking back at what Jesus told them would be impossible to overlook. Perhaps, however, they were so used to Jesus speaking in parables and metaphors that they did not take him literally when he told them about the torture and mistreatment that was going to happen. Remembering the crazy impossibility of death and resurrection, they had no clue about the future.

I would like to retell this story using a different analogy. Jesus and the disciples are embarking on a great voyage to a wondrous place. They were walking up the gangplank to board a great beautiful ocean liner. Before they board, Jesus tells them that the ship was going to sink, and they would all drown. Jesus would drown first but then be resurrected. Later on, the rest of them drown even though they could have chosen to climb on a lifeboat and spared from that manner of death.

“Cool,” James and John said. “Can we sit in the front of the boat with you, one on each side?” Excuse me. What part of drown did they not hear?

Meanwhile, just as they step over the gangplank, James said to John, “Look the name of the ship is the Titanic. This should ship must be so big it can’t sink.” Un ha.

The question running through my mind is if some days or even most days am I thinking like one of the brothers? Jesus has given a clear message. We have to die to ourselves in order to join with him. We have to be willing to give up another kind of life to enter into the life with him we say we want.

Is ambition clouding my judgment and cloaking over my true need for humility so that some weak part of me can say, “Look at me! Aren’t I holy? I am sitting in the front seat of the boat with Jesus. What will it take for me to remember that the call to die to self is not made to me alone but to all of us so we can equally share in the sacrifice and equally share the reward? I guess the need for the occasional scriptural slap in the face is still a thing. Like a daily thing.

Time to head to the back of the boat.

Luke 19:1-10 Zacchaeus the Tax Collector.

He came to Jericho and intended to pass through the town. Now a man there named Zacchaeus, who was a chief tax collector and also a wealthy man, who was seeking to see who Jesus was; but he could not see him because of the crowd, for he was short in stature. So he ran ahead and climbed a sycamore tree to see Jesus, who was about to pass that way. When he reached the place, Jesus looked up and said to him, “Zacchaeus, come down quickly, for today I must stay at your house.” And he came down quickly and received him with joy. 

When they all saw this, they began to grumble, saying, “He has gone to stay at the house of a sinner.” 

But Zacchaeus stood there and said to the Lord, “Behold, half of my possessions, Lord, I shall give to the poor, and if I have extorted anything from anyone I shall repay it four times over.” 

And Jesus said to him, “Today salvation has come to this house because this man too is a descendant of Abraham. For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save what was lost.”

This is one of the lovely stories of the bible that reaches out to me and takes me back to my first days in Sunday School at the First Methodist Church in Anaconda. It is one of the stories in every bible storybook for children. What kid did not climb a tree or at least want to do but were kept on the ground by a fear of heights, or, more accurately a fear of falling. 

The message is this bad guy (tax collectors are bad, right?) wanted to see Jesus so badly he climbed up a tree to see the Lord pass by but he was too short to see over the crowd. Short. there is another childhood connection.  What child did not feel frustrated at some point not being able to see things tall people could see? Great stuff. 

Now we are called to take another look at the story through the eyes of adulthood and when we do we see much about the story still calls out to us. 

Within each of us, St. Augustine teaches is the great desire to seek God. That means every human from the beginning of human time, through the present and on to the future until, well, until we all rest in him. There is an understanding, however, we can lose the desire by repeatedly choosing sin over salvation so often for so long we no longer can recognize the urge. Think of Hitler, Pontious Pilate, or, in our age, Osama Bin Laden. 

For the rest of us, however, no matter how great the sin or propensity to sin, the elements of conscience remain present and the possibility of redemption remains. What sparked the desire of Zaccheus to Jesus? Was it the quiet niggling of his conscious that triggered a need to just see what was happening? is there is a lesson here for us? For me. 

Some other thoughts about Zaccheus. Why didn't he just edge up through the crowd to the front like a Japanese tourist at the Grand Canyon? Elbows and shoulders out in front wedging openings and cracks until at least there was an unimpeded view. For one thing, he was a tax collector being pushy to be upfront would be a grand way to get some rotten veggies in the back of the head. Maybe even some rocks would be thrown and he would certainly bit spit on and cursed at. Better to find a way to stay out of the direct view of others who held grudges.

There is also this thought. To be in the very front of the crowd would make him conspicuous since he would stand out not just because of his diminutive stature but because he was no doubt dressed to the hilt like he was pretending to be a Roman Citizen. He would have certainly stood out like a pimped-up thumb and Jesus would most certainly notice him. Again, being stealthy would be a better option. 

I am sure it crossed his mind that he might have been able to climb a tree, hide in the branches and see everything he wanted to see and not be seen himself. How all that work out? Not so well. We can laugh at the absurdity of a well-groomed little man climbing up a tree and out its branches as if he could still have it all his way. Maybe we should be laughing nervously because the gospel passages don't shine a light on specific people at a specific point in time. They have meaning for all of us no matter our station and no matter our time. 

I want to be seen in a certain way so that I will appear favorably to others. If I am not ready to be seen, I will sneak to the rear and try to find another viewpoint that doesn't bear the risk of being found out. It did not work for Zaccheus and it does work for me or for any of us. When we try to see the Lord for whatever reason, be it fear, longing, desire, sorrow, or some other silent need stirring up from the deep, we invite him to see us but we realize is he has been looking at us all along and knows what is in our heart before we can even call it out to ourselves. Meister Eckhart famously taught us that God sees us through the same eye through which we see him. It is pointless to hide from him. Look to the lesson of Jeremiah who was told by the Lord God that Jeremiah was known before he was in his mother's womb. 

Sitting outside for a time reflecting on poor Zaccheus, another thought comes to mind, a comparison between the rich young man in Matthew 19 who, when informed by the Lord he needed to sell all and follow him, the young man went away sad for he had many things. This guy has haunted me over the years because I too have many things and I don't want to be sad because they separate me from God. I wrestle the thoughts like Jacob wrestled angel but today I am reminded of another insight. Zaccheus was not told to sell everything. He had a meaningful call to invite our Lord into his house for a celebration and Zaccheus jumped at the idea. He also volunteered to pay back with interest those from whom he has stolen. He did not wait for the other shoe to drop. He took it off and dropped it himself. 

In my language that means to offer amends to those who I have wronged.  It also means the God wants us to not be trapped from service by our belongings but use them to the benefit of others. What I have now belongs to my wife and my children and it is left up to me to use those things well and not selfishly.

Mark 4:35-41 The Calming of a Storm at Sea.

On that day, as evening drew on, he said to them, “Let us cross to the other side.”
Leaving the crowd, they took him with them in the boat just as he was. And other boats were with him.

A violent squall came up and waves were breaking over the boat so that it was already filling up.
Jesus was in the stern, asleep on a cushion. They woke him and said to him, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?”

He woke up, rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, “Quiet! Be still!” The wind ceased and there was great calm.

Then he asked them, “Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?”
They were filled with great awe and said to one another, “Who then is this whom even wind and sea obey?”

I had the privilege of examing this passage amongst several others as part of a Sunday morning discussion at Denslowe Community Church last Sunday morning. This is not a particularly opaque passage so several meaningful points were shared. 

The context is this passage was immediately preceded by the miracle of feeding the crowds who had gathered to hear him teach. They saw him perform something amazing and miraculous yet several hours later, they fell into fear in the brunt of the storm. The point is this missed the point. They were to have faith and believe in the miracle and miracles of the Christ and the transformation into men who might die but never experience death. They were safe because they were in the presence of Christ who had chosen them for the ministry to come and had shared a prophetic vision of his mission. It was not the day for them to die, they had work to do. Much work.

Before I retired as a manager in the business world, I frequently assured people even though things might look scary or difficult, they should not panic unless they saw me panic first. Thanks to long experience and assurance of things turning out as they should, I rarely panicked. In fact, I can remember being concerned sometimes but never fearful. Bully for me. 

The truth is I am a fearful man. I worry about many things much of the time even though I have the benefit of experience to guide me through the fiction of fear to the reality of the moment. Were I with the disciples, I not only would have been frightened, but it was also likely I would have been lying on the bottom of the boat hanging on for dear life praying for deliverance. Aw, that might be a little too much hyperbole. I really don't get panicked all that often. Overcoming fear is a normal event for me so I tend to actually do ok in most situations. Still, I am sure I would have been yanking on Jesus' tunic. 

What is the message for me? Storms happen. They happen all the time and they are a normal part of life. What matters is if I find calm in the midst of a storm even if the storm itself is not calmed. God, after all, is all about our interior life because that is where he works his greatest work. Calm in the midst of a storm is the gift he wants for us through our faith in him. 

Immortal Diamond - Week 3

Questions from Chapter 1

• How has this central task been experienced in your life?
• What has aided you in this discovery?
• What has taken away from your search for discovery?

Separated out from the surrounding text, the question lies as clearly in front of me as the mountains I see from my studio window. From this viewpoint, there seems to be no way around the mountain so to continue the journey means I must, I am compelled to journey forward, across the river that lies between us, up through forested flanks and then out into the snow-packed sharp ridges and peaks where the crucible of life is to be engaged.

The question has been an unseen engine that has driven forward through the years of my life.

For years I searched for the answer of who am and who I was meant to be all the while I finished my education, got married, raised a family, battled the twin dragons of depression and anxiety, overcame alcoholism, got back on track of uncovering who I am and what I am supposed to become and now here I am. In 8 days my professional career will be ended and I realize that the question of who am I supposed to be and what I supposed to become is now irrelevant. From a professional viewpoint, there is no more becoming. I am what I am and in a blink, I will try to express that in the past tense.

This is not a bad thing. Retirement is my choice, my employer has done all they can to keep from shuffling off into irrelevance but there is no changing my mind. It will be a relief because now the only question that lies in from of me is to discover who I am. Strangely I am ok with that. All I need to let go of those things I thought needed and to just look with gratitude at how the God-sized hole inside me has been filled with things of eternal grace. Finally. I don’t need to climb the mountain. I am already there.

When I consider all of the self-esteem issues that fueled destructive behavior, fear, anger, and rage, I am amazed to have something of ultimate value, something of value, that pearl buried in a field worth selling all to gain.

What has aided me? It takes a volume to fully explain. I will have to just state the obvious. It is all dependent on grace, grace that was always present, always waiting always guiding and motivating me to take the next right action that was meant to help others rather than myself. Like Paul, for me His grace was sufficient.

What distracted me? The answer is simple pride and ego were the destroyers of peace and acceptance. They always were the true enemy that painted elaborate portraits of a persona I foolishly chased for an entire lifetime. Now to get better at sensing when there is a glitch that needs to be isolated and defanged.

Immortal Diamond - Week Two

I have been taking an online class on the Father Richard Rohr book "Immortal Diamond." The format of the class is to read a chapter of the book, review material posted online that expands and broadens understanding of the book, and then share reflections on the material as studied and contemplated. I am now posting my posting here on my personal blog to help me keep a record of my progress. The class began in the month before I retired and will continue on for another 2 months after retirement. The timing was intentional. I wanted to deeply consider the war between my false self and my true self as I box up the human frailties of the false self to reveal and embrace the truth. The war is one-sided. My false self is warring to keep the true self from exiling it from day to day existent. The truth simply waits for the fire to go out and diamonds left behind can be revealed. 

The voyage began this way with these discussion questions to ponder on and reflect on in writing.

The goodness of God fills all the gaps of the universe, without discrimination or preference.

Death is not just physical dying, but going to full depth, hitting the bottom, going the distance, beyond where I am in control, fully beyond where I am now.
When you go into the full depths and death, sometimes even the depths of your sin, you come out the other side--and the word for that is resurrection.

Reading the book again for the third time, this time slower and with more purpose, I am finding diamonds on every page, small enough for me to have overlooked in my rush to uncover bigger gems of many carets. These smaller stones, when inspected with care, reveal startling brilliance with countless facets of great clarity. I now expect to emerge on the other side of the course with a sack of stones of far greater value than I ever dreamt possible.

As I considered the discussion questions, the reflected light of the newly gained gems illumined truths that available all along but are just now recognized. Before I began to reduce my thoughts to words I can share, I read the posted comments not just once but multiple times.

I was struck immediately by the breadth and depth of the posts. I tend to organize thoughts and experiences through metaphors and analogies.

Fishing and fly fishing have been pastimes, to the point of addiction sometimes, over the course of my entire life. There have been countless times when I just looked down into the water and watched trout as they lay near the bottom of the stream, facing upstream and using only as much energy as necessary to maintain position. The current brings them all manner of organic and inorganic particles. Most things are not food so the debris just slides downstream around the nose of the trout and out of sight. Other times something valuable will drift or swim nearby. The trout will casually open it is jaws and suck in the bug or other prey without much movement or exertion.

The analogy for me today comes from feeling like a trout in a swift current overwhelmed by many things flowing by except in the case of the trout, everything that comes by has value. Fortunately, I could just wait for things to flow by again so I could have another chance to understand the wisdom and experience you all shared.

The other that struck me that is analogous to how a trout lives is there are times when a trout has to move out of the safety of the deeper, darker water to take advantage of the offerings of nourishment they can only obtain in shallower water or near the surface which makes them vulnerable to threats from above. It does not require courage for trout to be vulnerable, only proper incentive.

Humans are different. We need the courage to reveal things about ourselves in order to gain the needed nourishment of understanding and self-knowledge. Usually, it takes time for people to relax enough with each other to be vulnerable. What I encountered was a level of openness and honesty that astounded me. I am one of many in the class and none of you know me, so I am truly honored to be gifted with the revelation of things of ultimate concern and true essence. I will respond in kind as go forth from this powerful beginning. Thanks.

Peace

There is something greater than Jonah here. Wednesday, Febuary 24 - the first Wednesday in Lent

 

I have long felt a close kinship with Jonah. I am convinced that had the good Lord called me as a prophet, my reaction would have been more along the line of Jonah, rather than someone like Jeremiah who argued a bit and then got in line with what was asked of him. I know I have not totally ignored the little voice of God when he whispered in my ear, or, at times even shouted in my ear. Sure, I will come back to the church. Right after hunting season is over. Not the end of December but the middle of January when the waterfowl season is over. This was my response even though I did not even hunt ducks or geese. I eventually got there but not until I had more than a few wrecks.

Looking at how things turned out for Jonah as referenced here I have to wonder how many times I followed the intended plan and, much to my surprise, things worked out as planned but my reaction was not happiness and satisfaction but disappointment, I did not get to see the big explosion I thought would be way things would end.

Today life is good. We are settling into our new lives here on the river and we see our kids and our granddaughter often. I am winding down my work life with a pretty easy-going load as we slide toward retirement. Our health is ok, not perfect, mind you, but perfect. As I look back over the most recent years, though, I see I have been called to many different things and was blessed with a good outcome from my efforts. Right now I am coasting a bit, waiting for the next little nudges that have been the pattern for prior encounters and I wonder what will come next. I know there is something percolating but nothing has caught my attention.

I am telling myself to pay attention so that I do not hop on a ship headed in the wrong direction and then ending up in the belly of the whale. There is something great to come.