Pursuing Grace

I truly desire the peace and happiness that comes from living in accordance with His will. I crave the healing that will come as I exchange the nightmares and ghosts of a past life poorly lived with a new hope for a happy life filled with His Grace.

St. Augustine wrote in his Confessions

“In my unloveliness I plunged into the lovely things which you created. You were with me, but I was not with you. Created things kept me from you; yet if they had not been in you they would not have been at all. You called, you shouted, and you broke through my deafness. You flashed, you shone, and you dispelled my blindness. You breathed your fragrance on me; I drew in breath and now I pant for you. I have tasted you; now I hunger and thirst for more. You touched me, and I burned for your peace.”

Like Augustine I became lost in created things driven by desire to fill needs I could not articulate because I did not know the words to use to describe them. There is nothing innately evil or wrong with the things I pursued because they were created by God. What is wrong is that I pursued them for reasons of self gratification that separated me from the Truth who could sustain me. Finally God has gotten through to me and I am beginning to listen but I still hold something back, I cannot completely believe that become whole I must do what is asked of me; make my heart ready and to then let go those things that deafen and blind me.

St. Augustine continues:

“When once I shall be united to you with my whole being, I shall at last be free of sorrow and toil. Then my life will be alive, filled entirely with you. When you fill someone, you relieve him of his burden, but because I am not yet filled with you, I am a burden to myself. My joy when I should be weeping struggles with my sorrows when I should be rejoicing. I know not where victory lies.”

His words leap through 1600 years of human history to ring in my ears as clearly as if the words were written today. St. Augustine struggled with finding his true nature after a life spent outside the light of understanding God and His plans for him. I share his struggle. We all share his struggle but for those of us who have invested everything in a belief only in ourselves have much work to do before we find the victory Augustine found.

Today there is no great insight in how to achieve that victory, no wise words on how to find hope, as did Augustine, in God’s great mercy. The words, "I ain't much but I am all I have got" echo in my consiousness but leave me with a bitter feeling. I no long desire what I have got. I am compelled to end today with words from Augustine that I offer up to the Lord as prayer for myself:

“I make no effort to conceal my wounds. You are my physician, I your patient. You are merciful; I stand in need of mercy.”

Peace be you.