Several weeks ago I announced to a group of friends that it was unlikely that I was going to return on an annual fishing trip I had been going on for over 15 years. It was bombshell for many but interestingly enough, less of a surprise to others. I had been one of the original organizers of the trip that began with a group of 6 -8 guys but had grown into a mob of 27 this year. The transition from ring leader to a drop out was dizzying. When I asked why I knew I had come for what was probably the last time, I struggled for a simple response that would both be accurate but sensitive. The simple answer was that I am in a different place than I was. You hear about couples that divorce because they had grown apart. In a very basic way, I had grown apart from the trip. The time had come to say goodbye. I hope that the guys and gals continue to make the trip and perhaps I will come back again some year but in my heart I know it is not likely.
Where is that different place I am now? I can’t tell you because it is not really a place. It is, instead, a journey, a journey downstream to a different way of living. At that time of the last trip I could not predict where I will be next year or in years to follow but I just knew that my journey would not take me back to that river at that time. I know now that next year the trip will fall on the same weekend as Easter. Given my new role as participant in the celebration of Holy Week, I would have chosen to not go so that I could remain home to celebrate the most important week of the year. The year after that, the trip will happen on the same weekend as a Preparation for Lay Ministry (PFLM) education weekend. Missing that weekend to go fishing is simply not an option.
The real story to be told is why Easter Weekend or a PFLM Education weekend would suddenly take priority over a traditional fishing trip. This is something that would have been unthinkable 3 years but it is now choice made without any real regret. When you consider that I used to choose fishing over just about everything else in my life, this change represents a major shift in perspective. In fact I am haunted by the memory of the year when the trip conflicted with my younger son's first communion and but for the instance of my wife I would have missed the event. As turns out I made the trip but came back a day early so I could be there. Then there was another time when I missed a play production the same son was participating in so I could stay home and tie flies to get ready for this trip. I wish I could plead insanity but while alcholism is a disease we still have to account for actions we take while we in the disease.
Actually the real story is the journey but the story will take time to tell, more time than we have for now.
The answer why I would choose to not go is simple. I found that happiness and fulfillment are found in seeking out God’s will for me and in living in accordance with his plan for me to the best of my ability. That means sometimes I will go fishing but my first devotion will be to my life in Christ. As time goes by, I will share the story of my journey with the hope those who read it will begin to understand the nature of my changing. The words that flow out of me are the ones that remain in my mind after I ask for the Lord’s help in understanding what the next right thing is that he expects of me.
I have been drawn to write that I might understand what has happened and what is happening as the journey continues. It is my since hope that what I write will be a source of healing, inspiration and understanding. My friends have asked how and what has happened to me. There is no simple, one word answer that really captures the essence of what is happened. The word that comes closest is transformation. I am being transformed to reflect His image.
There was not one person among the 27 who came this year that I would not love to fish with again. I pray that I will fish each again for I am not turning away from them. I hope each person understands this for I have true love in my heart for all. Some of the them are truly my best friends and they are the ones least surprised by my decision because they have seen it coming for a long time.
Peace to you.
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