Mercy and Chaos

I briefly made eye contact with him as I entered the store just like I would anyone else I did not know when entering a convenience store. He was standing with his back to the fountain drink dispenser with a flip-style cell phone in his right hand. The phone was open and he held it in front of him like a microphone and he was speaking into it, confidently and loudly. At first I assumed he was talking to someone on the phone but I could not have been more wrong. My first hint something was askew was when I glanced back at him and realized that his gaze was fixed firmly on me. He did not look away quickly as you expect someone you did not know to do after making eye contact. Normal people just don’t stare at strangers unless they are on fire.

In a second I realized that what he was saying did not making any sense. Continuing to speak into the phone like he was addressing a crowd he repeated over and over again that the solution to the unemployment problem was to round up all unemployed veterans and give them a two-day training course in counseling and they could solve all mental health problems and restore the nation to full employment. I was in a store just down the street from a homeless shelter and other places that cater to homeless and disadvantaged. It is not a store I frequent often because I don’t smoke unless I am fishing and I don’t drink so I don’t have much reason to visit convenience stores that sell beer, tobacco and snack foods. When I do shop there, it is not unusual to see one of the people who have for one reason or another landed in a tough situation. Such people are typically easy to spot because of the way they look or are dressed. This guy was different. He was middle aged with neatly combed hair and was clean shaven. He wore a causal jacket with an LL Bean logo, khaki slacks, and slip-on dress shoes. He was, in fact, dressed like me.

As I crossed the short distance across the store to the aisle where the sunflower seeds I came to purchase were located, I passed within a few feet of him and that was when the smell hit me. He clearly had not taken a shower or washed his clothes for week. In an instant I was almost gagging and my eyes watering from the acrid stench. In that moment I realized that I had encountered someone that our society does not want to admit exists. The forceful stare I could feel even when I had my back turned continued the whole time I searched for the seeds I prefer. When I grabbed the bag I was looking for, I turned back toward the front counter and he quickly moved forward and blocked the aisle in front of me.

“Do you like seeds,” he asked? Yes,” I said. “I eat too many of them sometimes because once you have a couple it is hard to stop.”

“I know what you mean,” he responded.” I used to eat them all the time until the Secret Service blamed me for being out of touch when the disaster in Rhode Island went down.” I looked him in the eye thinking I had heard him wrong. He kept staring at me with no change of expression.

Without waiting for me to respond he continued. “I have had to carry two cell phones ever since then just to make sure they can reach me to verify my whereabouts or they will lock me up again.” I was dumbstruck and could not think of a thing to say to him. My usual practice is to just speak to people who speak to me by making small talk. Usually people can find some common point of reference to make small talk even if it is meaningless.

In the empty space between us that seemed to be planets apart, he just kept talking. “Mrs. Clinton,” he said, “blamed me for the Monica thing and she had me bounced of the detail and then she me hospitalized for the rest of the time they were in Whitehouse. Pretty soon they started drugging me, so I could not tell what was happening. The New York Times and NBC were trying to find me so the agency kept moving me from hospital to hospital. My favorite place in Georgia because they had good barbeque there.” I could not think how to best respond so I just edged around him and went the check stand. The clerk pleasantly greeted me and we completed the purchase and both of us pretended the 800-pound gorilla that was that poor guy who kept yammering about Clinton era conspiracies did not exist. The lady behind me line remained silent and motionless in an effort to draw the man’s attention. It worked for because the guy talked to my back all the way out the store.

When I got home I read a column written by Maureen Dowd of the New York Times my cousin posted on her Facebook page in which Dowd included a letter from a Catholic priest she had asked to comment on the shootings in New England. The priest, Kevin O’Neil, quoted a contemporary theologian, James F. Keenan, SJ who said: “Comforting the afflicted is a response in charity to the neighbor who is suffering. More specifically, it is an act of mercy, of entering into the chaos of another so as to respond to the person in need.“

After reading that phrase I was both comforted and discomforted. At a relatively late stage in my life, I have come to realize a consequence of my baptism and the calling of my faith is I am compelled to be merciful. While I have begun to reach out to others to respond to their needs, I was not even close to ready to be merciful to the stranger in the store beyond being pleasant.

His chaos was real, it was up front and it was more than I could handle. There is an axiom that applies to the business of mercy and that is that if you cannot bring calm into the chaos, don’t go there. In the hours that have passed since the encounter I have tried to come to an understanding of how to bring merciful calm into a place that is totally outside my comfort zone. As yet I don’t have an answer so all can do is to pray for God to care for the man in whatever way God knows he needs care. I will also pray that if God plans to work through me to provide mercy, that God will send the Holy Spirit to enlighten me. 

Our world needs God’s mercy and God's mercy enters the world through humans. We share that mercy with each other through and with His grace. Without the grace that comes from a loving God who wants us to make a difference, we will accomplish nothing regardless of how passionately we desire to be effective.
This thing we are encountering is more than about gun control. It is bigger than having a mental health care policy that allows clearly delusional humans to exist without a stable, comforting environment. It is not new. Our struggles have existed throughout our existence. It is not just about having free choice which allows us to choose between right and wrong. It is about understanding how evil exists and only God is big enough to overcome evil. We can’t do it alone.

For me, right now all I can do is pray for the calm that will allow me to step into the chaos of others and that others who also desire to serve God through acts of mercy will find the calm they also need.


God have mercy.

Christ have mercy.

God have mercy.

Amen.