Good Friday - Always, We Begin Again

The voyage of discovery does not begin when I know my type but truly begins now, before I know my type. I can't uncover where I am going until I knowing my point of departure.

These words came this morning before my day began to unfold in ways that surprised me. It does not matter what Enneagram type I am. What does matter is how I use the knowledge as  tool rather than to use it as an excuse.

In the darkness of the Good Friday Service, the time when our faith reaches its lowest moment, a time of sorrow and grief at the scourging and death of our Lord, Jesus Christ, I began sense something new stirring with my soul. I have been searching, studying, reading, investigating and praying for an understanding of where my life originates, where it is today and, finally, where it is going. There have been moments of clarity but they have been far too few. There has been hours, even days of struggle and pain but the troubles never seem to grow out of single, or even, a limited number of sources. Yes, there has been happiness, joy, contentedness and peace along the way, enough to lure into action when I have grown lazy, reluctant or, even angry and resistant to continue the journey.

I have never asked the questions of origination, course or destiny. I was sought caught up in the turmoil or comfort of any particular day, I never considered there was purpose for journey or reason I was granted the life companions given me. There was only the present moment and each consequent moment was sculpted by feelings, intuitions or emotions that endlessly bubbled up from deep down and from far back inside me.

When I use my eyes to see, I see reality, things as they really are, when I use my ears, what I hear is also reality. Vision and sound are recorded into memory like they can be captured by technology. What I touch is also very real. I can describe what senses detect, share the description and have another person confirm that we touch is very real, very much present and completely objective.

I have learned, however, the filters I use to record the metaphysical and relational experiences are not objective. At times what I am feeling is right on the moment but that is, as I have reluctantly learned, rare. I am left without a sense of the world around me, the people in it and how I relate to them. People trigger emotions of sadness, comfort, anger, loneliness, yearning, joy, contentment or even simple passive sense of peace and tranquility. Yes people trigger how I feel but I have to learn how to respond to feelings by putting them in a box and evaluate them like a memory. They are what they are but they are rarely real.

I am inclined to see myself as being unique and defective. If I can’t trust my perception of the world, what can I trust? Still, I have heard over and over again how we all think of ourselves as unique and different and rules that apply to others should not apply to us. Uniqueness is limited by the commonality of how we see the world. Yes every leaf on a tree is unique but only when viewed from greatly restricted viewpoint. We are leaves on the tree, different but the same.

So what did I feel stirring during the service?

When I reflected on my exhaustive search for knowledge and insight, I was reminded that even in those rare moments when I realize my addiction to more – more information, I don’t take enough time to step and ask why I continue to search and, even more importantly, do I already know enough. Enough of what? If I can’t answer the question, it is time to pause and reflect. There is more out there than I could learn in a thousand lifetimes so I can’t drink up the ocean of knowledge, what cup do I need to drink to have enough to do whatever it is I am supposed to do. That is another question to consider but that is more than I can tackle today.

I sat next to a dear friend and her husband. They had with them their infant grandson. He gurgled, cooed and uttered all manner of sweet noise we so love about our infants, noises , that like scent, touch and sight cause us to bond to our children and grandchildren. As I watched and listened, I reflected on the coming new life in our family and I began sense a sense of completeness, but not a completion of my life, of our life.

I recall during the long course of my life, I wondered what the future would bring. When I was in High school, I wondered by adult life and if I would ever find a wife. Then, when we were married and the course of our life was unfolding I wondered about children and I remembered that just when it seemed hopeless, hope was renewed and we had a family. For the last 30+ years, I wondered about the next step, grandchildren. For a long time it did not seem there was hope but then, suddenly, there was hope and then, a while later, there is more than hope, there is a promise.

In truth, I am already a grandparent now, even before seeing or holding my, our, granddaughter, just I was already a father before I held my living, breathing, incarnate son. I am now waiting, however, for the next stage to arrive. I watched the exchange of love between a grandmother and her grandson and so the sparkle each had for the other. I relish the day when I see that exchange between my grandchild and my wife and, I scarcely dare to say, I embrace the thought of coming day when I will look into her eyes and she into mine. I best be about the business of defining and accepting who she will be looking at when the day comes.

For months I have struggled with the struggle. Every step I take seems to be faltering and I slide often slide back before the next step can be taken. I am ready to give up. Not quit. Not abandon my journey or turn my back on my destiny. I just want to stop fighting, stop searching, stop debating, stop seeing one thing one day as being the right choice, the right direction only to pursue something completely different the next day.

I have been called into Silence. I am certain of that. I long for Solitude but that is elusive and rare. What I need is Stillness, a place of calm and peace where my true self can turn from the delusion of the false self and grow toward Christ and last peace and a fullness of spirit to be man I have always been called to become.

There is a growing sense within me that I know what I need to know but now I need to discover how to use what I know to follow his path and plan for me. These gifts are not just for me to hold onto jealously but like all gifts of the spirit that are delivered by grace through mercy, they are meant to be shared.

I don’t know what looks like yet but this much is revealed to me again. I became a Benedictine for a reason. It is time for me to life like a monk to the extent I can and should to meet the needs of my world, my people, my family.

Benedict always says, always we begin again.