Solitude, Stillness and Solitude

For the past 8 months, or so, I have been flirting with, studying, considering, discerning and dancing around the idea of contemplation. Why? It just seems to be logical next step beyond Lectio Divina and meditation. Not that I have become a master, I am thinking more like third grade. Ok, second grade. At the start of the year.

I know. False humility does not suit me nearly as well as humiliation which inevitably follows many of my attempts at trying to be humble. Moving on, what I desire most in life is peace, peace of mind, peace in my relationships, peace at night, peace in all aspects of my life.

There is a notion that often rumbles around in my head that contemplation, moving into a deep connection with God will bring me the peace crave. So far that has not happened, or, I don't think it has happened. I am not even sure I can state with certainty I have experienced more than just a hint of contemplation. What I felt was not exactly peaceful. Calming, perhaps, but I can't really describe the experience. I can't seem to find any words, much less the right words.

The major obstacle is not being able to overcome distractions. If I try at home, something immediately distracts me. My wife walking around upstairs or having the cat jump on my lap. If not something like those two, then all of sudden I get a raft of mysterious itches here and there or, perhaps, a vague pain somewhere. None of these things pop up as issues when I engage in scriptural or patristic reflection. Sure, if my wife says something or if my phone dings, I will lose my train of thought and have to start over again. More on that later but I can still tune out the world.

As I am writing this now I am outside on lovely albeit cloudy and breezy late spring day. My cat indoor cat is learning to love the out of doors and we are happy to let her as long as she stays close. I have taken up the hobby of feeding the neighborhood corvids, magpies and crows and it is absolutely fascinating to watch. I can watch them for a bit and then come back to writing without much difficulty.

I learned somethings in the past week, however, that makes me wonder of contemplation is really the path to the peace I crave, the peace of a quiet mind. The peace that comes with and from a stillness. I was shocked to learn for the first time at age 64 that I have ADHD and along with with it something called RSD - rejection syndrome dysmorphia. Within minutes of beginning to digest the news, the little wrinkles and ripples that have been part of me for as long as I can remember to make sense. Why does it take enormous effort to complete a mental task list of 4 or 5 things? If I am going to the store for more than one thing, I need to make a list and then hope I remember the list. More often than not, the list remains where it was when I created it.

Why is so hard for me just do one thing at a time, like watch something on TV or read a book without jumping from one book to another. Why I am suddenly fascinated by, for example, earthquakes in Alaska and then proceed to spend the next hours reading everything I can find that might over new or different insight? I can be well into the search and then something will trigger a new curiosity and off I go in another direction with equal passion. I frequently find myself with 20, or more, open web pages. I have always prided myself on having a curious mind that motivates me to learn more and more about more and more and there is nothing wrong with that. Right? Wrong. Knowledge without context and purpose means nothing. I know that. I have said that and I believe it. Perhaps I don't have a curious mind at all. I have a mind with a mind of its own.

When I am formulating a reflection, it can take several minutes for thought to coalesce in my mind. It is like pulling a gem out of the mud with a thin thread. With any break of concentration, I lose my grip on the thought and slip back into the muck and I have to start all over again. I don't if others have the same problem producing insight or understanding as I but the process is very labor intensive. It is also rewarding beyond measure.

I have come to believe, in recent years,  I am on a spiritual and personal journey and I have always been moving from one destination to another. The minute I reach one landing point where some mystery has been unveiled, I put it behind me and trudge off again. With an overactive mind, there is no way for me to discern if I have landed somewhere I should pause and hold for a while because my mind will simply jump the track and keep going.

Learning what little I know so far, I have come recognize I am truly on a journey but one I never saw coming. The title of this piece refers to places of quiet and calm. Today I have to question how I will achieve what I so deeply. Clearly, my intense focus on finding peace is fueled by a lifetime of dealing with an overactive brain. I want to just stop but when I do…. I don't.

Silence is not just about the absence of noise or sound that is audible with my ears. Solitude is not just about being separated and apart. Stillness is not just about the absence of noise or activity. I have long believed the pursuit of the right one these three avenues will lead to enjoyment and immersion into the other two. Here is the question: if there is a hole in the net, how do I capture a butterfly? There is, it seems, a really big hole in my net.

The answer is I don't. Maybe I just sit and wait for the butterfly to find me. I will not learn these things alone but I will need help from others who can see things I can't. Beyond that, I will need help from a God who sees everything and who has created me to find him. These things are important. I can't articulate how important, but they are important. The answers will point to the toward to a destination but, more likely, to nowhere but I will come to accept that I will never fully arrive where I want to be. In the end, is all about acceptance anyway.