A couple of weeks ago on Labor Day I attended a 7:00 meeting and my friend Martha made the comment that fear had really been rocking her recently. Her comment started me thinking and by the end of the meeting, I shared with her that fear is also an issue for me. If there is one thing, I have learned over 12 years of recovery and 10 years of concentrated faith and spirituality study is fear is a big deal. I have read, been told and experienced that virtually ever since person in recovery is afflicted by fear, fear that something we must have will be denied or something we must keep will be taken away.The subject of fear is vague because the answer of exactly what we are worried about losing or not being able to keep is different for each person when viewed from a granular level. There are themes, of course, shared by many but my exact fears are personal to me and different from anyone else's fear.Talking to Martha, I expounded further on the commonality we share with so many others and how fear could continue to dominate us in ways that are difficult to comprehend. She voiced appreciation for knowing she was not alone and while the fear remained, there is comfort in knowing that fear is not fatal when kept in checked and it is burden, we carry together.
After the meeting I continued to ruminant on fear and the more I pondered the awareness that I really, I had not dealt with fear in focused manner, taking it on with courage and determination to put fear in box where I could manage it.
I have stared down the countless forms fear can take but I have never pulled back the curtain or pulled the plug from the bottle so I could challenge the root of all of my issues and not just fight little fires that did nothing to address the core fires burning deep within.
Over the next few days I understood other things. It dawned in that half of the population of the US shares the type of personality as I do and that means that every other person you meet might potentially be racked by fear that is ever present, every minute of every day. Unless the fear is countered it will suck away at the life force behind the good part of everyone one afflicted by fear.
In one blinding moment I saw the totality of my life in full. Every little hurt I experience, every little hesitation I feel, every decision and every relationship is shadowed by fear. It is always been, it still and it always will be no matter what I do. Every day the game begins again, every hour the clock resets to zero and I must be vigilant, constantly on guard for whatever jab fear would stick in my heart. In order to compensate, I have ignored fear, called it different things, projected it on others in life including my family and then blamed them for fault that is not with them but with me.
We are taught to face up to the problems we encounter in life that we might over the come them and then move on. That concept misses the real point. There is no overcoming. The problem is unsolvable in this life. This reality pushed me deeply in to despair. There is no getting better, no magic cure. There will always be fear and the fear will last for the rest of my life.
The enormity of this burden very nearly flattened me, and I became angry, disheartened and, well, frighten about what a life lived in fear might look like. Gradually as the shock wore off, I remembered I am not alone and that are multitudes of people who also face fear daily and manage to get along. After all, I have managed well for 6+ decades. The question, after I gave myself a good slap upside the head, what do I do about it.
It did not take long for me to realize I already have a quiver full of arrows and a shield I have been using with some success in recent years. All I really need to do is just go eyeball to eyeball with the real enemy and not one of its deceptive faces.
The first and best arrow is named. Lined out in elvish along the shank are the words, "Pray without ceasing." The shield bears an emblem, a Celtic Cross with this word boldly stamped on the top, "Faith." I was immediately calmed in way that resonated deep down inside me. The only thing new to the battle was the understanding that I should not be distracted by false images but to drive straight ahead into the next skirmish directly against the king of the enemy.
Time to rejoin the battle. As a first step I turned to Bible for some ideas where to start. We all know the words, "be not afraid" are in the bible at least 365 times. I know this is true because my saintly grandmother kept devotional in her bath that consisted of 365 scripture refences and reflections on the very same topic.
I quickly came to choose the 23rd Psalm as the initial for the simple reason I cannot remember when I learned about the Psalm and learned to hold it closely to my heart, coming back to visit it at times during the scope of life.
It was the first and perhaps best reference point for facing fear. There is so much to cover, so many ways fear handicaps, so many different forms fear takes that I may not get to the all even if I push this project out to 40 days. For today, however, let’s keep it simple. "Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me."
Let's take a breath, sit down and just chill. We are protected. We are comforted. Whatever we encounter, He can handle for us if we ask.
Amen.
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