Week 2 - Day 5 Sunday Psalm 33

 Week 2 - Day 5 Sunday Psalm 33

Our soul waits for the LORD, he is our help and shield. For in him our hearts rejoice; in his holy name we trust. May your mercy, LORD, be upon us; as we put our hope in you.

I am more at peace today, not peaceful, mind you, but more at peace. I am still distracted and on edge. I long for silence, true exterior silence but it is not possible. The scratching of a pen on paper, and the clicking of the mouse and keyboard all seem disruptive and unwarranted. Other noises, sipping coffee, the cat eating and drinking all nudge from reaching a point of contemplation. Quiet has now settled around me but I am still wary, guarded for other sounds that may intrude on solitude.

Moving inside because of the chill in the morning is proving more difficult to adjust to than I would have expected. Natural sounds don't concern me and I can tune out the constant rumble of the distant traffic. Intermittent noises are what cause me issues. I know from reading and experience there is a difference between exterior and interior silence. Being able to immerse in interior silence is a gift that is elusive for me and sometimes completely unobtainable. To experience interior silence is the goal, to be able to accept the invitation to quiet spaces of the depth of being by the holy spirit but the battle between exterior and interior soundlessness renews in me from time to time. 

I ache to be able to be filled with gratitude at the sounds and activities around me. I am grateful for a wife who invites me into her prayer space, delights in sipping coffee in her way,

feeds me and tends to the kitchen, washes my clothes, and offers me her best. I hope for acceptance of the little stuff with no importance that I might offer loving appreciation for all that is done. I desire gratitude for a little cat who also delights in our presence, who is never more content than to be able to eat when we are nearby. There must be a way, there has to be a way to achieve a sense of appreciation of what is around me. Lord help me. 

My soul waits for the gift of tolerance who is my help and shield on this sabbath morning. I look up and away into the light of the sky but I cannot get there. I put on the noise noise-canceling headphones but by now I am rattled enough to not be able to settle in with the presence of birds, the sight of the cottonwood tree leaves fading from dense green to prepare for the coming of winter. 

This battle is not new. It has raged since the beginning of my movement to reflection, contemplation and meditation. It is likely the dark one who stirs up the angst and blocks my concentration. I trust that making the decision to turn toward holiness is the correct one and that slow progress is a hallmark of many spiritual journeys, perhaps all such journeys. My soul waits for you, Lord. In you I trust.