This is actually Day 6 of the prayer week, not Day 2. I have prayed with SEEL less this week than any other week yet. Perhaps I should qualify that the manner of prayer I experienced this week has been quite different than what has become the norm for me. It has also been the most eventful week since 11/20 when the "call" came and my world began to crack and then explode the next day. There is, no surprise my week did not unfold as I planned, but that is not to say prayer and contemplation time did not happen in abundance. It did and the time of preparation has borne fruit today.
The call was what lead me to step into the innocent-looking pot that I know now was not innocent nor was it just a pot. It was a crucible and it was designed just for me to fit into perfectly. It was not that had a choice, I did not, but the first steps I took, I took willingly because I was led to believe my family was in trouble and I could help out. Of course, I stepped in and discovered there was no way to get back out. I also immediately understood that trying to get out would cause me to be consumed by the inferno fired up to heat the crucible. The real horror was not the heat or being trapped but came from the identity of who started the blaze. It was people I loved enough to have been willing to sacrifice everything and for whom I had already sacrificed much, my son for whom I invested my entire being to adopt as an infant and to raise together with my wife to become a man whom I held much pride. My son and his wife.
At this point, you no doubt wonder about what happened to prompt them to cause me to be led like a lamb led to slaughter into the crucible. Anyone watching a train derail would want to know what caused the derailment. Something juicy, no doubt. It is a remarkably simple fact that the cause of the derailment is unimportant and to describe it might distract from the telling of the story because it would hint at tears in the fabric where no tears exist. Suffice it to say it was awful but it was completely untrue, something that was manufactured in the ether of an uninformed and ungrounded imagination. Eventually, the idea of it will fade into the unknown. I have to let it go. We all must.
Somewhere around 6,000 BC, ingenious human beings figured out that if they were to construct a vessel made of ceramic, a very fragile and breakable substance, they could heat metal ore to the temperature where it would melt into liquid. Imagine that something so delicate could create iron, copper, brass, steel, silver, and gold ingots. The irony of fragile creating unbreakable is not irony, it is a mystery. There must be, somewhere, a spiritual revelation to connect to the mystery and give it perspective.
The vessel was called a crucible. The mineral-bearing earth was called ore. The heating process is called smelting. The resulting product was pure but during the smelting, imperfections in the ore burned off or pooled up in molten scum called dross. The dross was scrapped or ladled off, the fire dampened, and the molten contents of the crucible poured into molds and cooled into something special. Iron and steel for swords and shields. Copper for containers. Gold and Silver to be fashioned into precious objects. What survived the crucible was invaluable. What did not was value-less.
As I look back at my path prior to the "call" that lured me into the crucible, I was struggling spiritually. I had grown utterly defeated trying to achieve a level of spiritual maturity that I managed to frustrate over and over again because I was not completely willing to let go of my character defects. The SEEL of Ignatius promised an opportunity to take a different and fresh approach to spiritual growth and renewal. I plunged into the deep end of the pool and swam with all of my might efforts. Two months in, the exercises redirected from a surface-level, light examination to a deep-down engagement with the nature of evil and my own sin. I had to take a breath and dive deep to see the face of my enemy. The process caused repeated confrontations with evil and sin which wore down my reluctance to step up and face the unfinished business from my first fourth step in AA when I detailed an inventory of my character defects 13 or so years ago. As I review the 7 deadly sins, I am reminded I, at one time or another, fell into the trap of committing one or more of them frequently. Pride always led the way and created a vacuum for the other 6 to explode into life.
I came to realize that to be truly innocent, and not just from the horrific allegations, I needed to recommit putting aside my sins, big but not damning and small but harmless, after acknowledging them and seeking forgiveness. Of course, the difference between the 10 commandments and the beatitudes is that the commandments prescribe what we should not do but leaves unstated what we are supposed to do. The beatitudes inspire us to not avoid but seek the blessings out through thought, action, and prayer. We are also to seek the blessings willingly and with joy. Oh my.
So it is now. I want to not just avoid sin but to set my direction of sail toward the 7 virtues. I choose to not just be something but I choose to become something. The first deadly sin for me is pride so the first virtue for me to seek is Humility.
I will not use her name, at least not yet, but I will look candidly at her from the perspective of having survived the crucible she unwittingly fired up. I have no doubt she struck the first match and my son had no real choice but to help her kindle the fire. The two standards speak of money being the great corrupter of humans but there is an even greater and older corrupter that originates with the creation and is brought into creation by the human nature of Eve. She was not tempted by riches or power, at least not directly. She was undercut by the power and attraction of knowledge that would allow humans to be equal to God.
For her, knowledge became a lens through which the entirety of the universe can be seen. Science offers the ability to look at, analyze and capture the essence of every created thing and process. Modern science allows us to look through the history of the universe all the way back to the moment of creation. Science allows us to understand the function and form of all that has happened since, how the world came to be oxygenated and watered, how the continents shift and change through the eons of time, and even how everything is constructed down to atoms, electrons, and neutrons.
The ability of science to explain so much has caused many to think science can explain everything but those with faith in God know it cannot. Too many scientists believe that if something cannot be rationally explained, it does not exist but that is false. We mistake the gift of being allowed to observe and understand some of creation to mean we have the capacity to observe and understand everything. We do not. Knowledge always has limits. That is where faith is at it is best.
She of whom I speak is not evil. She does not aspire to evil in any way. She is motivated to do good and to do the right thing for the right reasons but her comprehension of what is good and what is not is influenced by the true source of what is good, God. Whether you believe God exists or not is not the sole criterion for being atheistic which simply means to act as if the human person is solely and completely capable of choosing between right and wrong without the wisdom that comes only from God.
Make no mistake, I love her as if she were my own issue. I still do. I pray I always will but the pain caused by those we love is always worse than the hurt that comes from someone unknown. Betrayal always piles on to the underlying painful act to create agony of its own initiative. She had no intention of causing me harm but because she cannot see or chooses to not even try to see beyond the limits of her mind, she cannot truly see the nature of her actions. Intelligence is a gift and a curse. Great intelligence can be a greater curse because it creates space for pride and the conceit to mutilate what is considered to be good.
By looking at the third element of the second part of the Two Standards contemplation and replacing "money" with "intellect", I can fully understand the lessons to be learned. How does intellect lead to evil? With enough intelligence, a person can come to believe they can explain everything and the knowledge they possess or acquire is more definitive than knowledge possessed by others. They are committed to believing they know "best" and anything they ascertain or determine is the best option. Intelligence means privilege because intelligence earns power and riches when then can corrupt the person and delude them. Intelligence causes knowledge to become sacrosanct with the ability to use wisdom to moderate and guide the use of knowledge.
Is she evil? Not innately. Does she cause evil? Yes, she causes harm that ranges from hurtful to catastrophic but never sees the consequences because her self-talk convinces her that negative outcomes are never her responsibility because they originate with others who fail to follow her proscriptions. She is absolutely convinced that anything negative that happens and that she cannot effectively project on some other cause, is justified because she had the best intentions. That is the most destructive form of delusion that can come from one who is not evil by definition and truly intends harm.
As I flesh this all out, her face's image has gradually faded and been replaced by a mirror. What do I see in the mirror? I see myself. I realize I can so clearly construct an accurate construct of her because it is grounded in my own reality. I, too, suffer the same defects. The difference is active alcoholism has given me no option to confront my reality and to seek actively, persistently, and fervently destroy the vanity of knowledge uncontrolled by wisdom. She is an alcoholic by nature but has not become addicted to alcohol so there is nothing to drive her toward the rocks of despair that demand a new direction. Thank you, God, for that change and my ability to see a new way of living.
For both she and I, it boils down to control, the need to control life completely and we have the intelligence to control everything perfectly. Anything we can't control, we hate. The effort to control the universe, something completely impossible, has worn me out. I can't easily let go of trying to control but the more I let go of, the easier and better life gets. That is God's promise coming true.
Oh, yes, there is still the issue of the crucible. Last week the fire was finally dampened and allowed to burn out. God used his divine love and mercy to have the Holy Spirit ladle out the dross into a pile where I can examine and learn from what remains and what more I need to know. The Holy Spirit will also create a mold for what is left in the crucible to shape the remains into something that is valuable to God, my fellows, and me. I understand the firing in the crucible has created permanent changes in me but the changes are not complete and I must be willing to stoke the fire into an inferno and step into the crucible for greater purification not just once in a while but every day. The good news is complete liquefaction should never be necessary again. That is the rest of God’s promise. If I am willing to start over again each day from the beginning, he will do the rest.
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