Litany of Humility Part 1 10/23/2019

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, deliver me, O Jesus.

From the desire of being loved, deliver me, O Jesus.

From the desire of being extolled, deliver me, O Jesus.

From the desire of being honored, deliver me, O Jesus.

From the desire of being praised, deliver me, O Jesus.

From the desire of being preferred to others, deliver me, O Jesus.

From the desire of being consulted, deliver me, O Jesus.

From the desire of being approved, deliver me, O Jesus.

Cardinal Merry Del Val, the Secretary of State under Pope St. Pius X, is widely considered to be the author of this beautiful prayer but there is not much evidence of this. As with many of our most beautiful gifts of language, there is likely many adapters but the original creator will never be known. I would like to imagine the author so I could look into his or her mind when the prayer poured forth from heart through the pen to paper. Even if Cardinal del Val did not originally author the prayer, the fact it is credited to him strong suggests it was important to him. This devotion to humility by one of the most important princes of the church has caused me to stop and consider that if someone of his stature seeks to ardently to be bent low, what lesson or lessons are there for me to embrace?

Several weeks ago I began to pay attention to when fear and anxiety seeped into my consciousness. Most instances could be traced to something that triggered something that challenged my false self when I was not keeping watch over it. I can almost check them off.

The desire to be esteemed? Of course that is a important to me. If I lack esteem, what purpose to I have to those around me. How about approval? There is a big one. A few weeks ago my wife was walking beside my truck as I backed up to the garage door so we could unload our camping gear. She was looking directly into the sun she had a scowl on her face as squinted to see into the darkened garage with sun directly in her eyes. The scowl, of course, meant I was doing something wrong and I would soon be criticized. Even if she did have something to say, rather than thinking she was giving me important information I needed, a positive communication, I would take the comment as negative because I was doing something wrong and get angry.

When compliments are being passed out or praise given for things I was not even a role in, I get a knot in my stomach because I was being overlooked. Sure those other people richly deserve the acclaim, but what about me? Don’t I count? Am I not valuable? The woe is me reaction is followed by sadness and a period of time spent gazing at my navel wondering what I did wrong.

If a couple of friends or coworkers wander off to get coffee and they don’t bother to ask me to join them, even if I am not there, I immediately convince myself I am not cared about or they would have at least asked me to come with or tell me where they are going.

No matter how many times I remind myself or shout back at the little voices in my head that I am being irrational and unreasonable, the taint or stain of the emotions can take hours, or even days, to fade-away. If I am fortunate, I can distract myself away from the grinding down of my ego by opening up the tool kit I have learned to keep with me and selecting something equal to the emotions. If I am not, I can get caught in a spiral down that gains speed with each revolution and I will spin out of control and end up a days long funk. When that happens all I can do is to hunker down, give into the feelings while avoiding others and they will eventually run out of steam and I can crawl back into the light and start living again.

The endless, continuous, unceasing, unrelenting search for being esteemed, extolled, honored, praised, preferred, consulted or approved of is exhausting, hopeless and ultimately futile. It makes me miserable and it causes me to sometimes make those closet to me frustrated and angry. Notice I left out mention of love. That is a whole other topic to be tackled some other time.

I have taken up the habit of trying to pray the litany everyday. Strangely enough, it can often help. A little. Sometimes. Strangely enough, something burrowed deep down in doesn’t want it to help. Must that part of me that can’t let go of the need to seek external nourishment of a false self that sound be starved to death so the real self might flourish.

Have mercy on me, God, for I am treated harshly; attackers press me all the day. My foes treat me harshly all the day; yes, many are my attackers. O Most High when I am afraid, in you I place my trust.

Who are my foes? Who are those who attack? Who treats me harshly? Who. Is really my only true enemy? Pogo figured it out a decade before I was born.

I am my own enemy.

Wait did I skip that line about trust. The thing that sustains me most during the dark days lost in fear and imagined isolation is trust. Trust that the darkness will pass. Trust that though I feel bereft and totally alone, I am not alone. He is with me. I trust in that.

About this litany? There will be more to come.

In the wilderness I make a way - Farewell

Isaiah 43:18-19
Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not; See, I am doing something new! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? In the wilderness, I make a way, in the wasteland,

rivers.

Reflection

The 2019 weekends are behind us and it is time to review our successes and celebrate them for a moment but to also consider those areas where we can improve in the future. The process of conversion to the journey model is now complete and now comes the time to think of the future. Leadership has passed to a new man and woman and the first consideration they have to make is who to invite to join them at the table where the future weekends will be divined. My prayers and love go to you both but also to the first vice leaders and the second will soon be chosen.

The scripture points us to the future where God is with us and he promises us great outcomes if we choose to believe and to act in accordance with his will. I am excited for it is to come but courage, forbearance and devotion will be needed to get us to the new rivers that will flow in the wasteland.

There is a new beginning for Lori and me as well as we look forward to moving to Missoula and a new chapter in our books of life. We are gratified and appreciative of the opportunities and growth Cursillo/Journey has brought us over the last 11 years. The weekends were just part of it. It was the weekly 4th day group meetings that provided me with a safe environment to explore new directions in spirituality and faith. There is a kinship in this deanery that I fear will not be found elsewhere and we will miss the personal relationships God encouraged us to create and grow beyond measurable limits.

It has been a pleasure and reward to be of service to the Cursillo/Journey community in Helena deanery. The time for us depart is coming soon and what the future holds for us in Missoula remains through the darkened passageway. I have given all that I have to give, at least for the present time. I have made no secret of an irresistible journey toward silence, solitude, and stillness which answers the need I have to put the ever-present fears and anxieties that haunt me. What this means is that I don’t know how we will grow into the Missoula Deanery Journey movement if mysticism and contemplation remain such compelling lure pulling me into the quiet.

Make no mistake. While we will be cruising to Alaska to celebrate retirement at the time of the weekends next year, I will be back to serve Darwin in whatever capacity he needs and that I will be able to offer. Promise.

In the kingdom of God that even in new beginnings what was before is not lost. The New Testament did not eclipse the Old, it fulfilled. The old weekends have not been replaced, they have been enhanced. The old leaders are not all gone. We remain behind to offer our love, prayers, support, counsel, knowledge, wisdom, and encouragement.

Peace be with you all.

Faces Of Fear - Day 3: Psalm 62

Responsorial Psalm - Psalm 62

R.(13b) Lord, you give back to everyone according to his works.
Only in God is my soul at rest;
from him comes my salvation.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold; I shall not be disturbed at all.
R. Lord, you give back to everyone according to his works.
Only in God be at rest, my soul,
for from him comes my hope.
He only is my rock and my salvation,
my stronghold; I shall not be disturbed.
R. Lord, you give back to everyone according to his works.
Trust in him at all times, O my people!
Pour out your hearts before him;
God is our refuge!
R. Lord, you give back to everyone according to his works. Let’s begin with a question. If the Lord is our rock, our stronghold and we know, not believe, this to be undisputedly true, we have the right and, perhaps, even the obligation to trust wholly in Him. The question is this. If we wear the armor of being protected by God at all times, we do we still fear?

I have rolled this idea around so often the edges have box holding my thoughts have been worn into rounded corners. I confess to God. I believe in God. I KNOW He exists. I live in a world and in a life where reminders of His love are ever-present. The giant orange orb that is creeping up over the hills east of my house reminds me there is a cycle and rhythm that exists to balance us from day to day, month to month and even year to year. The seasons bring purpose to all things. I know this. I delight in the brilliant color emerging from the once green blanket of leaves on the trees in my yard. I know God exists. I know he loves me or why else would things exist that range beyond simple function into a beauty that has no purpose but to bring us happiness. I know snow that falls will someday melt, and life will emerge again. I don’t question this in the least. Yet, I fear. Virtually every day.

Why do I fear if I know there is a loving God who, at the end of my days, will make everything right? Because I have free choice. We all have free choice. It is the price we pay for being created in his image. The answer lies in the mystery of the pulling and pushing of the conscious and subconscious. Fear is useful. It has a purpose. If we lived in the Serengeti, it would tell us when to start running. Conversely, Fight is also useful because if running won’t work, we need to stand our ground. In the end, however, whether you run or fight you do so as a response to fear which is a recognition of something which is a threat to our wellbeing.

Over time I have to come to understand the interplay between fear and trust is different than I used to think true. Previously I believed that trust should eliminate fear, to obliterate, to make it disappear from sight and be no more. As my faith has grown, sustained by practice, knowledge, and experience, my trust in God has grown with it. Fear, however, remains constant. My conscious mind can look at the fear that is welling up out of my subconscious and just shake its head in disbelief that the subconscious will not just get the message it hears every single time it pushes fear at me. There is nothing to fear, there is nothing that will harm me. Nothing can happen that can’t be overcome or endured.

If a trust does not destroy fear, what purpose does it serve? The answer I now believe is that trust brings hope to a setting where hope is the best answer to fear that has no basis in reality. Because I trust, I know the fear will eventually dissipate like the steam rising off warming asphalt after a hard rain. The rain will fall again but my trust offers the hope I need to wait out the storm.

What is also true is the fear is not eternal, but it will be ever-present until it is burned away by the hot sun of eternal life.

I fear. I trust. I hope. At first, I was sad to accept that cycle will repeat countless times through the remaining days of my life but then I appreciated the bigger truth. I am human and, as we all do, I live within a human body so I am constrained by the limits of that body. The alternative could be that I could be bound up by fear and not have the faith it takes to trust fear will never win. It cannot because it has already lost.

Faces of Fear - Day Two: Matthew 6:25-39

“I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet ' heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they? Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin. But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them. If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith? So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’ All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom [of God] and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides. Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself.

. 

Not only does fear have many faces, it has many levels. In first century Israel, fear was different than it is for me today. I have a well-stocked pantry and freezer. I have more clothing than I have a right to possess and money to last my lifetime and, if they are thrifty, for the lifetime of my children Medications and health care providers are easily abundant for me and my home is heated and cooled to deal with all kinds of weather. There is no reasonable expectation anyone will challenge me with a weapon more dangerous than a wicked wit and my enemies, if I have any, don’t really want to destroy me. In the time of Christ, however, hunger was never more than a day away for the vast majority of people. There was no way to predict when the Romans or some other military force might not just march into town and destroy everything. If I am wronged civilly, I have full legal address. In those days justice was more of a theory than an everyday reality.

If someday, water doesn’t flow out of the faucet in my home on demand, there is likely some way to easily remedy the problem. In short, what is there for me to worry about when my present circumstances are compared to those of my ancestors in faith. My ancestors by blood, during this same period of time, had a proclivity of getting naked and painted so they could wage battle on tribes. I suspect they were even worse off from than the those living in Palestine.

Jesus assures me I have nothing to worry about. As compared to birds or flowers, I don’t. In fact I am in far greater danger of harming myself by over consumption than from any physical threat. Yet I fear and I fear greatly and I fear many things. I even am afraid I will never know the extent of my fear. Why? To put a sad spin on Psalm 139, it is because I am built that way.

The last 24 hours I have lived in fear that began with low hum and it rose in volume until it became a silent scream. Now as this day slides toward an end, the fear has drained away like water from an over turned cup. All that is left behind is the residue of the fear that lays on me like a hangover.

The fear was not rationale but it was palpable and it has an understandable origin. My wife and I have experienced 3 pregnancies and only one of them resulted a living child. The other two were late stage losses that remain as tangible as they were when the first happened more the 3 decades ago. The third pregnancy that had a joyful outcome still battered us with long, scary and, for my wife, excruciating, 18 hour battle that was only decided after an emergency C-section.

Where did all of this overarching fear originate? My son called me late morning yesterday with the happy news that his first child, our first grandchild was entering the world. Everyone was in great shape. The baby’s vital signs were strong, my a daughter in law was in great spirits and my son was, well, over the top excited not just for them but for us as well.

I had done fairly well during the pregnancy to not fall into crippling anxiety as I relived our experiences years ago. Yes there was a distant tugging that tried to pull me away from being completely thrilled but I rarely felt much real fear, something that surprised me since I fully expected to be locked in combat with irrational thoughts. Yesterday, however, as the hours stretched out and crawled by, the fear began to rise in me as if it were an unwelcome party guest.

The calls and texts back and forth slowed to a stop and the times between contacts grew further and further apart. Finally by 11PM, I was completely exhausted not only because I had just finished a 3 day retreat that sucked virtually all of my energy but because the past pushed into the present with a vividness and intensity that I found shocking. Lori was feeling and experiencing much of the same feelings and emotions.

Somehow, I fell asleep, and surprisingly slept most of the night and had even fallen asleep after having been roused by my aging prostate. On awakening, however, I realized there had been no contact during the night apart from a brief text around 1AM saying that hard labor had set in. Fear and anxiety intensified incrementally. I prayed the hours, read and reread this passage from Matthew and then began a literal litany of the Jesus prayer. My stomach began to churn and my blood sugar rocketed up and I could feel a rapid heartbeat ramping up incrementally every few minutes.

I was convinced, absolutely convinced something had gone horribly wrong. I knew from bitter experience, things can take a terrible turn. After all, we experienced loss twice and we has also endured a long labor that failed to produce a baby without extreme measures. Finally at about 7:00 a text came. The baby had come. All were well. The concerns were unfounded or at least unrealized.

What happened next didn’t really surprise me. The fear and anxiety did not break as they should have with the great news. All that really happened is they did not escalate further. Without being there to see with my own eyes what was happening, I could not trust what I had been told. As the minutes turned hours without any further news or pictures, the remaining emotions and feelings jelled and refused to abate.

I decided to go work because I had been away from the office for several days and I wanted to deal with any issues that may have arisen while I was gone because we planned to leave for Missoula where my son and his family (gee, it feels good to say that word, family) live as soon as they were ready to see us. One of my co-workers was very concerned by my very surprising lack of high spirits and excitement. She was far more excited for me than I was for myself. I could not really explain why I was down when I should be up. Fear like mine doesn’t lend itself to being easily described.

Later on after we got to Missoula and learned more of the details, there were some complications that made things complicated and very difficult to endure but were never really dangerous. Even once I had Jane in my arms, it took a while for the last of the fear fade away and be replaced with a sense I was looking into the face of the continuum life and all is as it should be. Finally.
I know fear will come back again. Other concerns are already tugging at me but the lesson for me today is that despite how hard it is for me to not worry and to trust, I know worry is pointless but the worry can’t just be shouted down, as much as I wish. The difference is that even if I can’t manage the worry, I can manage my response. Without prayer and hope I would have been lost to despair.

As I was holding my granddaughter, (yes I am actually saying it) I looked out the window into the very tip tops of some 30 feet tall trees and saw 3 magpies sitting on the limb, lined up in a row looking in the window at me. I heard what they had been sent to say about trusting in God.

I can’t make fear go away but I can live through it with the help of faith acknowledged by mercy and grace. No matter how fearful I might become, I will never yield and surrender to it because I know, and not just believe, God will be there no matter how things turn out. That means everything will be ok in the end no matter what the end looks like.

Faces of Fear : Day One Psalm 23 10/1/2019

A couple of weeks ago on Labor Day I attended a 7:00 meeting and my friend Martha made the comment that fear had really been rocking her recently. Her comment started me thinking and by the end of the meeting, I shared with her that fear is also an issue for me. If there is one thing, I have learned over 12 years of recovery and 10 years of concentrated faith and spirituality study is fear is a big deal. I have read, been told and experienced that virtually ever since person in recovery is afflicted by fear, fear that something we must have will be denied or something we must keep will be taken away.The subject of fear is vague because the answer of exactly what we are worried about losing or not being able to keep is different for each person when viewed from a granular level. There are themes, of course, shared by many but my exact fears are personal to me and different from anyone else's fear.

Talking to Martha, I expounded further on the commonality we share with so many others and how fear could continue to dominate us in ways that are difficult to comprehend. She voiced appreciation for knowing she was not alone and while the fear remained, there is comfort in knowing that fear is not fatal when kept in checked and it is burden, we carry together.

After the meeting I continued to ruminant on fear and the more I pondered the awareness that I really, I had not dealt with fear in focused manner, taking it on with courage and determination to put fear in box where I could manage it. 

I have stared down the countless forms fear can take but I have never pulled back the curtain or pulled the plug from the bottle so I could challenge the root of all of my issues and not just fight little fires that did nothing to address the core fires burning deep within. 

Over the next few days I understood other things. It dawned in that half of the population of the US shares the type of personality as I do and that means that every other person you meet might potentially be racked by fear that is ever present, every minute of every day. Unless the fear is countered it will suck away at the life force behind the good part of everyone one afflicted by fear. 

In one blinding moment I saw the totality of my life in full. Every little hurt I experience, every little hesitation I feel, every decision and every relationship is shadowed by fear. It is always been, it still and it always will be no matter what I do. Every day the game begins again, every hour the clock resets to zero and I must be vigilant, constantly on guard for whatever jab fear would stick in my heart.  In order to compensate, I have ignored fear, called it different things, projected it on others in life including my family and then blamed them for fault that is not with them but with me. 

We are taught to face up to the problems we encounter in life that we might over the come them and then move on. That concept misses the real point. There is no overcoming. The problem is unsolvable in this life. This reality pushed me deeply in to despair. There is no getting better, no magic cure. There will always be fear and the fear will last for the rest of my life. 

The enormity of this burden very nearly flattened me, and I became angry, disheartened and, well, frighten about what a life lived in fear might look like. Gradually as the shock wore off, I remembered I am not alone and that are multitudes of people who also face fear daily and manage to get along. After all, I have managed well for 6+ decades. The question, after I gave myself a good slap upside the head, what do I do about it.

 It did not take long for me to realize I already have a quiver full of arrows and a shield I have been using with some success in recent years. All I really need to do is just go eyeball to eyeball with the real enemy and not one of its deceptive faces. 

The first and best arrow is named. Lined out in elvish along the shank are the words, "Pray without ceasing." The shield bears an emblem, a Celtic Cross with this word boldly stamped on the top, "Faith." I was immediately calmed in way that resonated deep down inside me. The only thing new to the battle was the understanding that I should not be distracted by false images but to drive straight ahead into the next skirmish directly against the king of the enemy.

Time to rejoin the battle. As a first step I turned to Bible for some ideas where to start. We all know the words, "be not afraid" are in the bible at least 365 times. I know this is true because my saintly grandmother kept devotional in her bath that consisted of 365 scripture refences and reflections on the very same topic.

I quickly came to choose the 23rd Psalm as the initial for the simple reason I cannot remember when I learned about the Psalm and learned to hold it closely to my heart, coming back to visit it at times during the scope of life. 

It was the first and perhaps best reference point for facing fear. There is so much to cover, so many ways fear handicaps, so many different forms fear takes that I may not get to the all even if I push this project out to 40 days. For today, however, let’s keep it simple. "Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." 

Let's take a breath, sit down and just chill. We are protected. We are comforted. Whatever we encounter, He can handle for us if we ask.

Amen.

The Scent of Sagebrush After Rain

Matthew 11:25-27
At that time Jesus exclaimed:

"I give praise to you, Father, Lord of heaven and earth, for although you have hidden these things from the wise and the learned you have revealed them to the childlike. Yes, Father, such has been your gracious will. All things have been handed over to me by my Father. No one knows the Son except the Father, and no one knows the Father except the Son and anyone to whom the Son wishes to reveal him."

The first thing strikes me in this passage is how Christ taught us, by his example, the attitude toward God to imitate in the prayer of praise lifted up to the Father.

It is easy to imagine the disciples all hanging around watching Jesus as he launched into yet more Father - Son talk addressing God as "Father". Never before in 2000 years of revealed history had our predecessors in faith even considered, much less dared, to call God something so familiar as "Father." Fear of God, as in fright, gave way to a new kind of fear in God, fear as in awe. Jesus taught us to raise up our eyes, and our hands, to God and appeal to Him as we would our human father. Jesus gifted us with a better way to pray and a better way to understand our creator.

Today, we take for granted our ability to look to God. When we pray, we often feel love, compassion, and tenderness coming back down to us from our Father who looks back at us with far more passion than we begin to understand.

Jesus also laid bare how the world view of the keepers of the law and the temple had been turned upside. The wise and learned men of the day, unwilling to look at the new reality, stuck to the old ways that were being ended before their eyes. They had the jaded view of those who thought they knew all there was to know and who believed they were the ones intended to teach and educate the Jews of the day.

In truth, who among us at the table this morning would have the courage to see what new there was to see or to hear what new there was hear? I fear how I would have responded to things that were new then but the fear is only my imagination galloping away from me. The fear is not real. I did not live then, when the revelation was coming to light, I live now when the light is bright and our path has been well defined and established.

The disciples showed us the way to seize a child-like sense of wonder at the incredible beauty and strength of the Holy Spirit revealed to us over generations. Despite the passing of centuries, the revelation is still as fresh now as it was then. Mind you, we are not challenged to be childish, plagued by petty rivalries, insecurities or self-concern. Instead, I think of the excitement of my children on Christmas morning. I think also of the 5-year-old boy I am watched as I wrote this. He ran to the end the dock and spotted a pod of cruising carp swimming past. He jumped up and down and pointed down at the fish hollering, " I see fish! Daddy, come look at the fish!"


Childlike. Open to new things, hoping to experience something but not knowing what.

There is something else, something not as grand but much more important we need to grab on to and hold for dear life. Our sense of wonder should not be reserved for grandeur but also experience in small things like watching waves on the lake pushed by the wind in a way that makes the lake look like a flowing river. The chirping of tree swallows perched in a tree nearby me. The smell of fresh coffee. This morning, and all weekend, there has been the amazing, pungent but fragrant scent of sagebrush soaked by rain. Childlike, yes, but viewed through eyes of one old enough to understand the importance of gratitude.

Meister Eckhart challenged to be willing to begin each day as a beginner. Why? Being willing to start over each day gives us the chance to see things new each day. I have in recent months made a daily effort to do just that. I look at the sunrise like I have never before seen a sunrise. Every sunrise is different from any others before it so our opportunities are endless. It is also true of sunsets or the clouds passing by overhead at any given moment of the day.

I have spent a lifetime struggling to become wise and learned and yet what I know and what I have learned pales when compared to the sight of fog lying down across the hilltops across the lake or the sound of rain. None of us need to be educated to experience the awe of what we choose to see through the eyes of a child. I am learning I have learned enough. What is left is to begin each day viewing the world with a sense of awe and wonder I once thought belonged only to children. I want to walk every day with a sense of wonder as the late poet and Celtic mystic John O'Donohue asked of us. We will never take it all in. God has no boundaries so our potential so vast we can't see the end of it.

At this moment, in this place what do you see if you choose to look through the eyes of a child? What in your life fills with wonder?

Let us give thanks and praise as we were taught. Amen

John 20:24-29 July 3, 2019

Thomas, called Didymus, one of the Twelve, was not with them when Jesus came.

So the other disciples said to him, "We have seen the Lord."

But Thomas said to them, "Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands and put my finger into the nail marks and put my hand into his side, I will not believe."

Now a week later his disciples were again inside and Thomas was with them. Jesus came, although the doors were locked, and stood in their midst and said, "Peace be with you."

Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here and see my hands, and bring your hand and put it into my side, and do not be unbelieving, but believe."

Thomas answered and said to him, "My Lord and my God!"

Jesus said to him, "Have you come to believe because you have seen me?

Blessed are those who have not seen and have believed."

Thomas Merton said, "Jesus is the only name we need for God." I wonder if Jesus is the only name we truly have for God. I think ancient Hebrews had it partially right. There can be no name for what cannot be named. The Hebrews were afraid to give a name to Yahweh for fear of offending him. We can't give him a name because no name could really capture the expanse of God which is beyond our ability to comprehend. We will come back around to this topic later and see if we can tie what Thomas Merton and Saint Thomas together to create one thought.

Doubting Thomas did not get his nickname for nothing. There are few places in scripture where we find such a dramatic example of doubt. Consider this. Thomas walked with Jesus, lived with Him, witnessed His works, heard His many promises to return and yet, when offered testimony Jesus was not truly dead but was resurrected, his response seems bitter, beyond skepticism and may even have ventured well into denial and disbelieve. Despite the depth and breadth of his knowledge of the gospel lived and preached by Jesus and despite the fervent assurances of his friends and fellow disciples of the resurrection, Thomas makes it very clear that Jesus would have to do something extraordinary to bring back him, Thomas, back to belief.

What is missing in the gospel is context. It is possible that in just a couple of days Thomas had lapsed from believer to atheist or, to a lesser degree, agnostic. I don't think we are getting the whole picture. If Thomas was truly embittered and beyond acceptance of the resurrection, he might have just wandered off to live out his life in shattered anger and bitterness. Surely countless others did just that or something similar. The crowds who cheered a messiah on one day saw the same man crucified a few days later. Thomas could have written Jesus off as just another failed prophet among the many who were scattered throughout the land. I think it is significant he didn't vanish. He stuck around and stayed close to the others. Maybe, just maybe, he may have wondered, is it true? Is Jesus really back from the dead. His faith may have been shaken but he did not completely give up.

I think Thomas wanted to believe but he could not just take a hold of the new reality lest it also proves to be just another disappointment. I get that. There have been times in my life when I rejected good news because I did not want to get my hopes up only to have those hopes dashed on the rocks of disappointment if, and when, the news proved wrong. This is how it is for so many of us for far too much of the time. We have been given everything we need and yet we stumble through life wondering what we need or where we can find it.

When Thomas finally touched the nail marks, he shouted out, "My Lord, my God." He clearly got the message and was back to being in all with the others, if he really ever was not with them. The words he chose are highly important. He looked at the risen human body of the man Jesus, the man he knew before the crucifixion and addressed the man as his Lord and his God. For Thomas, the only word he needed for God from that moment on was Jesus. Through his profession, Thomas gave all of us a name for God. Jesus.

Let me take you back to the first words of the Gospel of John:

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God.

Who was he? Who was the Word who was with God in the beginning? Jesus.

Everything we need to know about God we can learn from Jesus, a man to whom we can relate, a man who was like us and lived a died a human existence but through that humanity came the divine gift of God, Himself. Jesus is God. Jesus is our name for God because we can comprehend the man even if we cannot comprehend the divine beyond the human. Jesus.