Frustration has a New Name

After a lifetime of struggle across the full tapestry of emotion and relations, has the true enemy been revealed?

Depression and Anxiety have been twin dragons that have fired my existence during various seasons and I have, for the most part, been able to keep the chained in the cave where they can ponder the havoc they have loosed on me over the last 3 years. There have been moments when I could feel the heat of the fire but with the quiver of tools given me and the backing of my wife and the support of my faith I have kept them at bay.

The struggles have continued but without a name or real form so my standard state of being has been restlessness rocked to and fro by the hand of frustration. Why, despite great effort, have I still found myself in conflict with my wife and others? If I can see the problem coming, I can head it off with CBT but why do I suddenly find myself falling through the surface of what I had believed to be solid ground into a deep pit filled with murky water? The water takes the form of anger and the silt which clouds the anger can be called fear.

I can usually work out of the pit but not before the damage is done and I have tried to pull others important to me into the pit with me. Once out, I want to just move on and put the event behind me but there has to be a reckoning that turns into another fire pit of frustration because I don't know what happened or why and there is no way I can promise to keep it from happening again. It is as if lightning has struck me from out of a clear sky. No warning. Just the explosion and then nothing to give me a clue what happened.

How about when I know when my work is being reviewed? Anxiety rises up within me like magma and grabs my complete attention, focus and prevents from looking at the process with the clarity that would allow me to see that nothing serious could happen and that I really have nothing to review. I would rather stick my arm in the magma than face a performance review, much the same as I hate, hate, hate any kind of conflict with others, particularly my wife.

What about when I sit down to work and I find myself paralyzed trying to decide where to start first, before I can calm down and use tactics honed from years of practice to get started and actually have a productive day. Still, I find myself bouncing from one task to another until I finally force myself to use a task list to finish all of the tasks that need to be done.

Go ahead and take look at my workbench? Shear chaos is strewn from end to end. When I finally go down to get something done, the time it takes to organize uses the time I had to spend, to begin with.

All these years I thought it was just me and if I could only make a plan of some kind and see it through I would see progress as I have in other areas of strife that have long had a name. I was wrong. I am relieved. I am angry, I am disappointed. I am sad. I am….

Still working things out.

Show Me!

When I step out on to my deck, I say to the world, “Show me!” My sudden presence is intrusive so the world, those parts of it which can move, scurry or fly away. The blossoms, petals, and leaves remain mute. It is only when I sit quietly and observe the world shows itself. The essence of the lilacs drifts and is suddenly filling my head. The robins fly close in and dart from perch to perch, from the roof to the rocks, to first this tree and then another. They hop right up to where I sit, pecking here, looking there before fluttering to another place that might have the promise of a worm or bug. A large male crash flies through the leaves of the apple tree causing spent blossoms to flutter away and down to the ground. He grabs a branch, looks down at me and breaks into song. He is just a few feet away and when he tips his head back to sing and I can literally see is throat. I wonder how his voice works. He doesn’t care about my watching. His song is not meant for me but I still take it as my own.

My world shows itself to me and lets me hear it sing but only if I am still and my presence quiet and respectful. The wind shifts a little and the aroma of wetness from the garden as my wife waters her newly planted seedlings and plantings. It is a subtle presence, gentle but still there and very real.

Robins and smaller birds, flutter, and flitter around the fountain. They fly close to the water falling into the lower barrel and wet themselves and flap their wings. The breeze, what little there is, fades to stillness. The robins seem extra active this morning but it occurs to me that it is more likely that I am extra attentive.

The air is still chilled but there is a promise of warmth as the sun creeps up over the eastern hills. The clouds float by overhead. They are flying rapidly, driven by the higher winds aloft. They are flat and torn into pieces of cotton with gray-tinged bottoms. They signal an approaching front which is likely to arrive this afternoon. My fingers have grown cold even as I type. A robin lands at my feet and looks right at me and questioningly cocks her head to the left and then right as if asking me a question. Frustrated at my lack of response she hops away and pecks the gravel a couple of times and then flies off.

This world of mine is always here, is always present. The trees stand mute. The grass grows greener and taller by the hour. The blooms, blossoms and leave roll open and spread out to take their part in the procession life. I am always here too but seldom present. I often think about my world and dream about being in it but it is rare for me to take the time. I am present now. I am in the world and it has shown itself to me. It is singing to me. It feels my senses with a physical essence of reality to which I am only a visitor but never a resident.

I am calm, but like my cat, trapped inside by the patio door, I yearn for more. I feel a sense of loss. There is no good reason but the feeling remains. Calm without peace is sad when I am surrounded by a world created for me and for which I was created. I pray for peace. The answer is in the breeze because I know that is where God’s voice is heard.  Maybe I should sit and listen more, for just a little longer. Maybe I will hear him answer.

Chapter 7 part 9 June 3

The fifth degree of humility is that he hide from his Abbot none of the evil thoughts that enter his heart or the sins committed in secret, but that he humbly confess them. The Scripture urges us to this when it says, "Reveal your way to the Lord and hope in Him" (Ps. 36[37]:5) and again, "Confess to the Lord, for He is good, for His mercy endures forever" (Ps. 105[106]:1). And the Prophet likewise says, "My offense I have made known to You, and my iniquities I have not covered up. I said: 'I will declare against myself my iniquities to the Lord;' and 'You forgave the wickedness of my heart'" (Ps. 31[32]:5).

The concept of regular, routine , perhaps even daily, confession was new in this period, a gift of the Irish monks of the 5th century. I have not made a thorough confession for several months and in recent days it has been on my mind. We are nearing the time when many priests move to new assignments so things are in turmoil. The priest I would most likely use is still buried with the role of administrator in the absence of a bishop. If Monsignor were sitting here, however, as I type this, he would be the first to say that his being busy is his problem and I should call an make an appointment.

I have never really gotten used to the idea of a quick Saturday morning oil change type confession. Again, if he were here, he would that is my problem, not his and he would point his finger toward the line. "Go wait your turn and get ready while you wait," he would say with some forcefulness.

There is some mitigation because I frequently complete a personal examination of conscience but while it has great value and is vital daily spiritual exercise, there is no substitute for spilling it to another man. 

In recent months I have made a great effort to free myself of some unproductive or even unhealthy practices. Even though most are well behind me, they linger on like burrs clinging to my pant legs and socks after a long walk in weedy grass. I suspect I need help in finding them all and maybe there are some ticks that need to be pointed out for removal as well.

For the moment I will take solace in knowing that humbly, (there is that word again) confessing with heartfelt, sincere remorse followed by an effort to make amends and to mend my ways can also work wonders when you can string together a few days of successful effort.

Chapter 7 part 8 June 2

The fourth degree of humility is that he hold fast to patience with a silent mind when in this obedience he meets with difficulties and contradictions and even any kind of injustice, enduring all without growing weary or running away. For the Scripture says, "The one who perseveres to the end, is the one who shall be saved" (Matt. 10:22); and again "Let your heart take courage, and wait for the Lord" (Ps. 26[27]:14)! And to show how those who are faithful ought to endure all things, however contrary, for the Lord, the Scripture says in the person of the suffering, "For Your sake we are put to death all the day long; we are considered as sheep marked for slaughter" (Ps. 43[44]:22; Rom. 8:36). Then, secure in their hope of a divine recompense, they go on with joy to declare, "But in all these trials we conquer, through Him who has granted us His love" (Rom. 8:37). Again, in another place the Scripture says, "You have tested us, O God; You have tried us as silver is tried, by fire; You have brought us into a snare; You have laid afflictions on our back" (Ps. 65[66]:10-11). And to show that we ought to be under a Superior, it goes on to say, "You have set men over our heads" (Ps. 65[66]:12). Moreover, by their patience those faithful ones fulfill the Lord's command in adversities and injuries: when struck on one cheek, they offer the other; when deprived of their tunic, they surrender also their cloak; when forced to go a mile, they go two; with the Apostle Paul they bear with false brethren (2 Cor. 11:26) and bless those who curse them (1 Cor. 4:12).

To hold past to patience with a silent mind when we meet difficulties and contradictions immediate brings to mind my least favorite precept in the Big Book of AA. It states that if I become angry or upset, regardless of of the cause, the problem is with me, not another. Being robbed of the ability to engage in good old fashioned self righteous anger is real steamer. There are times when we don’t have to be wrong, when we should be right, where we are, by dang, right. Benedict in the 4th rule of humility, says the same thing. Even when wronged, stay peaceful and endure the injustice.

There is no doubt I would rather be sober than engage in a vengeful reaction to being wronged, regardless of the nature of the wrong. To lose sobriety would far worse than to lose whatever else might have been lost. The outcome of not yielding to anger and upset is the ability, in the thoughts of Benedict, to maintain peace in a storm or loss or adversity. Sobriety requires peace, peace nourishes sobriety. Without peace, I have nothing.

Nice words. Now lets make it real.

Chapter 7 part 7 June 1

The third degree of humility is that a person for love of God submit himself to his Superior in all obedience, imitating the Lord, of whom the Apostle says, "He became obedient even unto death."

Obedience gets a bad wrap, even from me. Particularly from me. Virtually every human is programmed with self will arising out of a self-centered inner core which does not first think of the best interest of others. I certainly fit the description as well, if not better, then most.

Who doesn't decide what to wear, where to go, when to go, what to eat, what to do, what to watch on TV, even to watch TV. We are besieged by social media which exposes us to group think, group act, group police which promises us we can exercise free will but in reality it works to close down our choices but luring us to  places we don't need to go, should not go, should not eat or to just full into the trap of more. Freewill is constrained by the law, custom and is many ways we can't even imagine.

When we are young we are taught to obey our parents, elders in our family, churches, teachers in school, law enforcement officers of all stripes and on and on. Eventually we leave school and find jobs where we are expected obey supervisors, managers, owners and others to whom we are below in rank. When we marry we even profess and promise to obey our spouses.

I don't live in a monastery and never will. There is no one in my life to who I would, for the love of God,  submit to in humility. At this stage of life when I am one bad mood, or even one good mood away from retirement, there is not chance I will submit to one of my superiors and I would seriously doubt they would even try to force me to submit, not that any of them would be inclined as long as we all maintain  rationale thought and a degree of sanity.

Obedience, however, is not just about behavior or following instructions. My life goes so much better when I obey my wife and even better when we obey each other. We do so, not just for the love of each other, but for the love of God. I submit to my mother out of respect and appreciation. I obey the priests who speak in the words of the lord understanding obedience is listening at the level of an encounter. To accept learning, wisdom and knowledge from another is to obey them so I obey those who can offer me those things as well. In AA, we submit to a sponsor who guides through mazes we can't navigate without assistance.

The third step of humility is not just for those who are cloistered, it is for all of who wish to accept help or direction from someone offers that which we need. All is conditional on the love of God and the love for God and a desire to unity with him.

Chapter 7, part 6 - May 31

The second degree of humility is that a person love not his own will  nor take pleasure in satisfying his desires, but model his actions on the saying of the Lord, "I have come not to do My own will,  but the will of Him who sent Me" (John 6:38).  It is written also, "Self-will has its punishment, but constraint wins a crown."

Again, what comes to mind is the constancy of God and the simplicity of the call. Jesus himself gives us role model to emulate. He gave up everything he might have seized had his submission to the Father had not been so complete. He knew what is future was and yet he did not flinch or turn away. He gave himself up the worst manner of death imaginable, then or now, perhaps ever.

I profess the desire to do his will and not my own. Simple? Yes. Easy? Oh no. Not at all. When it comes down to the final assessment, there may have been handful of times I paused to consider his will, when I stepped off the escalator of the day and to read a psalm or a few lines of scripture. When I ask the question on more expanded basis to consider the major theme of the day, did I seek to do his will?

I took time to walk and talk with friend who was disappointed to not have been given a job she sought. She was not distraught and expressed relief she would not have to take on the challenge of the job but no one likes to hear no and no one likes to have the ability to chose a course taken away. Still she was grateful to just be able to talk out her feelings and emotions and not been judges or challenged. What I had for lunch hour was not nearly as important as going for a walk. I believe it was his will that I be of service. I had another opportunity to comfort another friend who is buried so deep in depression I fear she will never completely pull out of it. Even though I have dwelt in the deep dark of hopelessly, there is very little I can offer than to just simply offer support. There is nothing I can say or do except just, for a brief moment, offer a hug and murmur words of acknowledgement and affection.

There were these two instances when I believe I embraced service for him. There may have been other times that I can't recall or even know that I had a positive impact.

The contradictions today of choosing work or a day off, the decisions of what tasks to take on and which ones to leave for another day, came to offer a third thing. Being there allowed me to offer what little I can to others in need of the charisms I have been gifted. There are times when I, without true meaning or belief, state the only reason I have not retired or taken another job is the continuing to work where I do and in the capacity I do allows me to favorably impact the life and growth of others. There might be truth to what I say that the sarcasm slides toward truth, in a good way and, surprisingly, in his service.

Chapter 7, part 5 - May 30

We must be on our guard, therefore, against evil desires, for death lies close by the gate of pleasure. Hence the Scripture gives this command:" Go not after your concupiscences" (Eccles. 18:30). So therefore, since the eyes of the Lord observe the good and the evil (Prov. 15:3) and the Lord is always looking down from heaven on the children of earth "to see if there be anyone who understands and seeks God" (Ps. 13[14]:2), and since our deeds are daily, day and night,

reported to the Lord by the Angels assigned to us, we must constantly beware, brethren,

as the Prophet says in the Psalm, lest at any time God see us falling into evil ways and becoming unprofitable (Ps. 13[14]:3); and lest, having spared us for the present because in His kindness He awaits our reformation, He say to us in the future, "These things you did, and I held My peace" (Ps. 49[50]:21).

Concupiscences? It is easy to take the view Augustine regarding concupiscences. He would hold it means strong but inappropriate sexual desire. Given his notorious past of decadence and wanton sexuality, it is easy to understand his point of view. Catholic teaching about concupiscence is different the narrow view we get Augustine. Instead of only focusing on sexuality, it also can refer to attraction or pursuit of any baser activity.

I would take that to mean anything that detracts from pursuit of relationship with God referring to addiction to alcohol, gambling, drugs and so on. Addiction arises out of compulsion to fill holes in our personal programs for recovery with things other than God. It might apply to things other than addictions from actual criminal behavior through and including subservience to the 7 deadly sins. I don't think Benedict would just fix his ire on sexual matters since there are so many other more obvious temptations along with sex. Reading and reflecting on the first step of humility from my uncloistered life, I am concerned with many other things in addition to sex but whom among us can't fall prey to temptation? Still, it is no where near the problem it was for me years ago when I was younger and, shall we say, more energetic.

The other thing that jumps from this line is the constancy of God. We may be here or there at any given moment but God remains steadfast. He watches, he waits, he hopes and sends Angels to watch us. Through it all he remains patience. For this I am grateful. I need his patience because I remain, as we all do, inconstant with my devotion, application of faith and direction of thought. These things I do and he holds his peace. Patience. I might do well offer thanks and praise to him for patience. I certainly burn up enough of my own uselessly.