Litany of Humility - Part 4

This begins the 4th and final time of reflection for the Litany of Humility. In part 1, we renounced desire for esteem and all other manners of adulation, including love. Next, in part 2, we prayed for others to be given more of all also including love. 

In part 3, we prayed for others to get more of everything then we ourselves are granted. We came to understand that despite our prayers to be reduced to nothing, we are challenged to give our all to others. We are called to will the good of another. We are called to love without any thought or consideration of our own self. We pray to find true humility which is to be empty of everything that is of our ego. We will not seek to disappear or fade away in the empty void even though I live as though the complete loss of my self will result in the loss of both my self and my soul. We learned this from Meister Eckhart who promised the void left by the casting out of self will be filled by God.

I want to believe this. I want to chase this dream of true humility which requires absolute trust. This business of trying to keep my ego afloat in the storms of what we call life is exhausting me and leaving me perpetually riddled with anxiety, fear and dread as the goal of ego fulfillment because increasing futile and dangerous.

Society and our culture compel us to seek approval. Ads delude us into thinking the right shampoo or deodorant will make us popular, smart and desirable. The media pours attention most on those who seek it most. Material success is valued far beyond happiness that comes from contentedness and peace. We are constantly pushed, pulled and picked at to do more, be more, achieve more, earn more and on and on. The instinctual drive to be favorably received and admired seems to be the primary driving force pushing society forward through time. Why else we all be waiting for our promised 15 minutes of fame?

We are stampeded through life like buffalo being driven off a cliff. We would seem to rather to rush to our deaths with the herd than to hold back from the others and turn away from the precipice but then to live without the company of others who went over to die. 

Societal pressure squeezed our essence until it can be melted and poured like a molten flow of wasted desire into a crucible where we are reduced to what God will have us be that we might, in desperation, seek to be of use to him. I, like many us, are in the void before the crucible. I am willing to plunge ahead and be smelted then transformed a man totally dependent on God, totally reliant and committed to life without desire for ego and to trust in him. But first, God will reduce to zero that which he will use for his plan. 

What does this look like? My mind floats through my thought up spaces but then bumps into my subconscious which sparks a riot of different images and potential directions. They are translucent, diaphanous thoughts that lack the substance to take root and grow into something tangible until true humility is revealed. The only lasting thought which remains constant is love. Love God, Love others, Love myself. Be loved and let God's love be enough.

Lord let me come to believe and to live in the believe that we will live in him, always.

Litany of Humility - Part 3

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be praised and I unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

We now begin the third ascent into the Litany of Humility. In part one we beamed the light on desires or needs which deflect from what we really need, a complete and unflinching desire for unity for God. The next part challenged us to look at baseless fears. Their baselessness does not come because fear does not actually exact but because we are fearing is the loss of something valueless. We have no need of protecting ourselves from humiliation, ridicule or being forgotten. The only one whose opinion really matters would never inflict such hurt on us. We do damage to ourselves by fearing the loss of things that are not just distractions but are dangerous to us because they serve a false self which deflects us from looking toward God and the salvation of our true self.

In part three we now turn away from introspection to look outward toward others. Let's continue. The prayer asks for others to be loved, esteemed, praised and preferred over ourselves. This points toward something curious for self-centered humans to tackle, selfless love. Not only are we deny ourselves food for the ego, we are desire to give it all away. All of it.

This is not just a conceptual fantasy in which we generically endorse someone unknown to us to perhaps be granted a little something that we would not notice is missing. This is all about bowing down, staying down and offering up what we have to give. I find this to be more than a little challenging. It is one thing for me to not get something but to will my portion for the good of another is a whole other thing. If I give something away, I will never get it back. Right? Well maybe this kind of thinking misses the whole point.

Let's turn back to something I sneakily interjected just now. I said I had to be willing to will my portion for the good of another. By cleaning up the verbiage a hair we get something like this: we are called to always to will the good of another. How about yet another shot at this thought, "To love is to will the good of another." That is not from me or even from Bishop Baron whom I heard quote this precept from Thomas Aquinas recently in his podcast.

This can get a little sticky. What is meant by that? It means we have to live up to this gospel passage, Matthew 22:34-40

When the Pharisees heard that he had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together, and one of them [a scholar of the law]tested him by asking, “Teacher, which commandment in the law is the greatest?” He said to him. "You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment. The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself.

This is more than a little sticky. We are called to love out neighbor as yourself. So simple but yet so impossible. I said in part one we would talk about love at a later point. In part 4 we will do just that. Until then, Love as we have instructed. Today, tomorrow, this week, commit yourself to will the good of another through one small act of devotion that with expectation of any reward.

Yes, I have to step up right along side you. 

Litany of Humility - Part 2

From the fear of being humiliated, deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised, deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes, deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated, deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten, deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed, deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged, deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected, deliver me, O Jesus

First we asked to be relieved of desires. In the discussion of part 1, it was pointed out that that desires are truly more than just desires. They are more like ravenous longings we desperately crave to create an illusion of value of purpose. Now we will ponder what happens when we fantasize we have achieved some kind of esteem or personal value and we feel threatened to lose the good standing we crave. The desires relate to things we seek but fear will be denied. Now we will talk about the things we have we fear will be taken from us. I believe at some level we all suffer from these kinds of fears at least to some degree. Some of us face fears that might be nothing more than fleeting annoyances. Others live great portions of their lives being afraid.

Which one are you? Maybe the answer varies based upon the stage or characteristics of our lives at any given time.

What of these fears? Oh, I get it. Fear of humiliation and ridicule engulf me, much more than the others. Except being forgotten. In the blink of an eye, fear of being forgotten surges up to the top of the list. While we are all wronged, despised, calumniated or suspected at one time or another, they don't have the ability completed deflate the balloon we call ego.

When it comes to humiliation and ridicule, we all play the sport of heaping grief on each other under the guise of humor. I am myself guilty of giving someone a hard time as way of expressing feelings of affection. Curious how we deflect our genuine feelings in an effort to not risk offering something which might be rejected. Sometimes the give and take is just simple hi-jinks but not always. Sometimes something might be said that stings. Sometimes what might be said in jest isn't really humorous at all but rather is a poorly veiled sword thrust.

To be forgotten is the worst because to be forgotten is something that should only happen after being dead for generations. It is a unequivocally a tragedy to be forgotten. How many times have we witnessed people who stay in abusive situations rather than be alone and, they fear, forgotten.

Can we look to scripture to find some solace against these kind of fears? Where might we find some hope?

I have long relied on one of my Grandmother's favorites, Psalm 121. Let's pray it:

I raise my eyes toward the mountains. From whence shall come my help? My help comes from the LORD, the maker of heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; or your guardian to sleep. Behold, the guardian of Israel never slumbers nor sleeps.

The LORD is your guardian the LORD is your shade at your right hand. By day the sun will not strike you, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will guard you from all evil; he will guard your soul. The LORD will guard your coming and going both now and forever.

There is a curious thing about the first stanza. Most who pray the Psalm assume that when the psalmist is looking from the mountains. Think of the old movies. The hero's are surrounded. The enemy is closing in on them. Thinks look ever so bleak, the end is near. Suddenly the camera lens raises up to look at a distant hill. Dust clouds are rising up as a harbinger of a coming army. Help is coming! In a few more frames, the infantry, cavalry or tanks tops over the ridge and zooms down to the engagement. The tide of battle turns and all that was threatened is now saved.

Rousing story. Seen it a thousand times. OK, lets take another look. Picture the opposite happening. The good guys think they are safe when suddenly a war cry whoops over the top of the ridge and a 100 jillion bad guys plunge down the hillside toward the encampment. It is over less time then it takes a white man to eat lunch - as was the case for Custer and his hapless soldiers.

The inference is clear. The psalmist sense danger coming down from on high. Think about it. Even today it is a military objective to seize the high ground. It is easier to defend and it is easier from which to launch an attack. Our feckless writer is not expecting help from on high, he wonders where is help is coming from to defend him from what is about to land on him.

When we fear that what we hold dearest is about to be taken from us, our best help will always come from God. Always. Another curious thing about this, however, is this. It is in this exact moment of staring down the crucible we have to decide, to evaluate and to consider is if what is in peril is what God would have me choose to guard zealously?

Fear of humiliation or ridicule? I might be hearing some muffled laughing here. The message is we should not protect what we fear will be lost, we should answer the fears with a resounding shout, "Get away, go away and don't come back!"

Look to the psalm once more. The promise is for God to protect our soul. Everything is nothing more than a series of disdainful follies thrown before us to trip us by the other guy. You know the one. Ya, him.

God thank you for helping us to discern what we should hold and what we should discard without fear or distrust.

Gathering Light Against An Fearful Darkness

When the light around lessens and my thoughts darken until my body feels fear turn cold as a stone inside,

When I find myself bereft of any belief in myself
And when all I unknowingly leaned upon has fallen, when one voice commands my whole heart, And it is raven dark:


May I steady myself and see that it is my own thinking that darkens my world. 



May I search and may I find a diamond-thought of light, May I know that I am not alone, and that this darkness has purpose; gradually may it school my eyes, to find the one gift my life requires hidden within this night-corner.

I invoke the learning of every suffering I have suffered. 

I close my eyes.

I gather all the kindling about my heart to create one spark that is all I need to nourish the flame that will cleanse the dark of its weight of festered fear. 

May a new confidence come alive to urge me towards higher ground where my imagination will learn to engage difficulty as its most rewarding threshold! 

May God grace my journey and sturdy my resolve
To find peace in the chaos
That is my life

Blessings Against a Dangerous Tide - Facing Fear

Poetry has never been my long suit but I thought I would post a couple of recent attempts

When battered by turmoil and uncertainty,
    May I return to the present noticing what is Ok and not just what isn’t.

When doubt overwhelms me and loneliness fills in my inner being,
     May I have faith in myself and those who connect with me.

When uncertainty clouds my path,
     May I have trust in the process of life itself.

When confronted the blackness of what might come next,  
     May I enter into fear and never shy from it.

When my heart pounds and my mind races from place to place,
    May I find time to reach for tranquility and turn inward to find sense of comforting eternity.

Instead preparing for war and painting my face for battle,
    May I make a friend of fear and not just believe its story and give into despair.

When I am buffeted by apprehension and tremble at what others might think,
    May I cultivate an ease of being and push back against magnifying hurt.

When I feel nothing but fear and despair in the sudden turmoil of any given day,
    May I nourish courage rather than grasping for a nonexistent certainty.

When the day is darkest and the storm approaches close in,
     May I trust that nothing destroys essence, my presence is spiritual and incarnate

Litany of Humility Part 1 10/23/2019

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, deliver me, O Jesus.

From the desire of being loved, deliver me, O Jesus.

From the desire of being extolled, deliver me, O Jesus.

From the desire of being honored, deliver me, O Jesus.

From the desire of being praised, deliver me, O Jesus.

From the desire of being preferred to others, deliver me, O Jesus.

From the desire of being consulted, deliver me, O Jesus.

From the desire of being approved, deliver me, O Jesus.

Cardinal Merry Del Val, the Secretary of State under Pope St. Pius X, is widely considered to be the author of this beautiful prayer but there is not much evidence of this. As with many of our most beautiful gifts of language, there is likely many adapters but the original creator will never be known. I would like to imagine the author so I could look into his or her mind when the prayer poured forth from heart through the pen to paper. Even if Cardinal del Val did not originally author the prayer, the fact it is credited to him strong suggests it was important to him. This devotion to humility by one of the most important princes of the church has caused me to stop and consider that if someone of his stature seeks to ardently to be bent low, what lesson or lessons are there for me to embrace?

Several weeks ago I began to pay attention to when fear and anxiety seeped into my consciousness. Most instances could be traced to something that triggered something that challenged my false self when I was not keeping watch over it. I can almost check them off.

The desire to be esteemed? Of course that is a important to me. If I lack esteem, what purpose to I have to those around me. How about approval? There is a big one. A few weeks ago my wife was walking beside my truck as I backed up to the garage door so we could unload our camping gear. She was looking directly into the sun she had a scowl on her face as squinted to see into the darkened garage with sun directly in her eyes. The scowl, of course, meant I was doing something wrong and I would soon be criticized. Even if she did have something to say, rather than thinking she was giving me important information I needed, a positive communication, I would take the comment as negative because I was doing something wrong and get angry.

When compliments are being passed out or praise given for things I was not even a role in, I get a knot in my stomach because I was being overlooked. Sure those other people richly deserve the acclaim, but what about me? Don’t I count? Am I not valuable? The woe is me reaction is followed by sadness and a period of time spent gazing at my navel wondering what I did wrong.

If a couple of friends or coworkers wander off to get coffee and they don’t bother to ask me to join them, even if I am not there, I immediately convince myself I am not cared about or they would have at least asked me to come with or tell me where they are going.

No matter how many times I remind myself or shout back at the little voices in my head that I am being irrational and unreasonable, the taint or stain of the emotions can take hours, or even days, to fade-away. If I am fortunate, I can distract myself away from the grinding down of my ego by opening up the tool kit I have learned to keep with me and selecting something equal to the emotions. If I am not, I can get caught in a spiral down that gains speed with each revolution and I will spin out of control and end up a days long funk. When that happens all I can do is to hunker down, give into the feelings while avoiding others and they will eventually run out of steam and I can crawl back into the light and start living again.

The endless, continuous, unceasing, unrelenting search for being esteemed, extolled, honored, praised, preferred, consulted or approved of is exhausting, hopeless and ultimately futile. It makes me miserable and it causes me to sometimes make those closet to me frustrated and angry. Notice I left out mention of love. That is a whole other topic to be tackled some other time.

I have taken up the habit of trying to pray the litany everyday. Strangely enough, it can often help. A little. Sometimes. Strangely enough, something burrowed deep down in doesn’t want it to help. Must that part of me that can’t let go of the need to seek external nourishment of a false self that sound be starved to death so the real self might flourish.

Have mercy on me, God, for I am treated harshly; attackers press me all the day. My foes treat me harshly all the day; yes, many are my attackers. O Most High when I am afraid, in you I place my trust.

Who are my foes? Who are those who attack? Who treats me harshly? Who. Is really my only true enemy? Pogo figured it out a decade before I was born.

I am my own enemy.

Wait did I skip that line about trust. The thing that sustains me most during the dark days lost in fear and imagined isolation is trust. Trust that the darkness will pass. Trust that though I feel bereft and totally alone, I am not alone. He is with me. I trust in that.

About this litany? There will be more to come.

In the wilderness I make a way - Farewell

Isaiah 43:18-19
Remember not the events of the past, the things of long ago consider not; See, I am doing something new! Now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? In the wilderness, I make a way, in the wasteland,

rivers.

Reflection

The 2019 weekends are behind us and it is time to review our successes and celebrate them for a moment but to also consider those areas where we can improve in the future. The process of conversion to the journey model is now complete and now comes the time to think of the future. Leadership has passed to a new man and woman and the first consideration they have to make is who to invite to join them at the table where the future weekends will be divined. My prayers and love go to you both but also to the first vice leaders and the second will soon be chosen.

The scripture points us to the future where God is with us and he promises us great outcomes if we choose to believe and to act in accordance with his will. I am excited for it is to come but courage, forbearance and devotion will be needed to get us to the new rivers that will flow in the wasteland.

There is a new beginning for Lori and me as well as we look forward to moving to Missoula and a new chapter in our books of life. We are gratified and appreciative of the opportunities and growth Cursillo/Journey has brought us over the last 11 years. The weekends were just part of it. It was the weekly 4th day group meetings that provided me with a safe environment to explore new directions in spirituality and faith. There is a kinship in this deanery that I fear will not be found elsewhere and we will miss the personal relationships God encouraged us to create and grow beyond measurable limits.

It has been a pleasure and reward to be of service to the Cursillo/Journey community in Helena deanery. The time for us depart is coming soon and what the future holds for us in Missoula remains through the darkened passageway. I have given all that I have to give, at least for the present time. I have made no secret of an irresistible journey toward silence, solitude, and stillness which answers the need I have to put the ever-present fears and anxieties that haunt me. What this means is that I don’t know how we will grow into the Missoula Deanery Journey movement if mysticism and contemplation remain such compelling lure pulling me into the quiet.

Make no mistake. While we will be cruising to Alaska to celebrate retirement at the time of the weekends next year, I will be back to serve Darwin in whatever capacity he needs and that I will be able to offer. Promise.

In the kingdom of God that even in new beginnings what was before is not lost. The New Testament did not eclipse the Old, it fulfilled. The old weekends have not been replaced, they have been enhanced. The old leaders are not all gone. We remain behind to offer our love, prayers, support, counsel, knowledge, wisdom, and encouragement.

Peace be with you all.