On Retreat - More thoughts

Mary. 

A foot of snow lies on top of the a lichen splotched stone wall standing waist height, curving from the door of the dining room around to the stone hut with a chalet roofed Grotto to Mary. 

I see part of her in the grotto but she also stands here in the dining room, in the corner by the window. 

She watches me and I feel her presence. I wonder if my way to love him is to also love her and ask her help to lead me to him? 

Does she stand for someone in my life whom I should honor first? Does she me remind me to consider my marriage? I think of the first miracle of Jesus, the wedding at Cana. She urged him then to step into his calling. Does she urge me to remember my calling and understand the role of the first woman in my life. Someone who would teach me, support me, encourage me, push me? It is she. 

I know I am resistant to being vulnerable and open to receive the gifts offered. I seek to burn them out of me.

On Retreat - Sycamore Tree

Words.

Words are coming to me as a gift of the spirit through the musings of Thomas Merton. Words come to me like the nickel sized flakes of snow falling, falling and falling down all day. The words flutter and I try to capture many but they disappear like the flakes when they touch my nose or fingers. I see them but then they are gone. Only few remain behind lying softly on my presence, working their slow descent deeper into my reality.

It is no mistake that I left the book I planned to use a focus of the weekend  home. This forced me to instead begin with his poetry and prose. In the reading words have come to me.

Place. What is the place where I am today? Where is it emotionally, spiritually and physically?

Going. Where I am going? How am I to travel?

Patience. A gift for which I cry out to the Spirit.

Humility. Something I seek but don’t know how to find.

Calling. I seek the quiet to hear his voice. I pray that my heart will be softened that I will not just hear his voice but listen.

Listen.

Obey.

Gift.

Mercy.

Jesus, a name for God that I can grasp.

Love. I want to love him as I do anyone else, more than anyone else. The way I love my wife, family, my friends but more so, so much more so I wish to empty out that I may be filled with him. Being filled with him will allow me to be so much more for those I love.

Chapter 3, Part 2 - January 17

n all things, therefore, let all follow the Rule as guide, and let no one be so rash as to deviate from it. Let no one in the monastery follow his own heart's fancy; and let no one presume to contend with his Abbot in an insolent way or even outside of the monastery. But if anyone should presume to do so, let him undergo the discipline of the Rule.

At the same time, the Abbot himself should do all things in the fear of God and in observance of the Rule, knowing that beyond a doubt he will have to render an account of all his decisions to God, the most just Judge. But if the business to be done in the interests of the monastery be of lesser importance, let him take counsel with the seniors only.

It is written, "Do everything with counsel, and you will not repent when you have done it" (Eccles. 32:24).

************************************************************************************

Yesterday and today are just one breath divided in two. Again, who is my Abbot? Whom should I follow?

Perhaps the most important thing for me to learn from chapter 3 is the message of the last sentence. Do everything with counsel and you will not repent when it is done. In other words, put the days of unilateral decision making be done, gone and forgotten. In all matters that affect both us, however remotely, I wish to seek counsel. For me, the challenge will be to gracious and humble in this endeavor lest I appear to be obsequious and to come off like I am seeking permission rather than just being transparent in aspects of our relationship.

I have so much to learn about putting humility into operation I feel not just like a minimally advanced student but a raw beginner over and over again every day. 

Chapter 3: On Calling for Counsel - January 16

Whenever any important business has to be done in the monastery, let the Abbot call together the whole community and state the matter to be acted upon. Then, having heard the brethren's advice, let him turn the matter over in his own mind and do what he shall judge to be most expedient.

The reason we have said that all should be called for counsel is that the Lord often reveals to the younger what is best. Let the brethren give their advice with all the deference required by humility, and not presume stubbornly to defend their opinions; but let the decision rather depend on the Abbot's judgment, and all submit to whatever he shall decide for their welfare. However, just as it is proper for the disciples to obey their master, so also it is his function to dispose all things with prudence and justice

*******************************

I have, over the past few reflections, come to see my self as the abbot for my family. Now the next question comes for me to consider: who is my Abbot? Do I think of this in terms of work? Home? In not there, where? Today, however, I still see myself as the Abbot for my family so the reflection as to be seen from that vantage.

As my children were growing up, I did not often bring them into the discussion was at hand. Decisions regarding me taking a new job and uprooting them to move with me were not something for which we invited their participation. We simply explained what was happening and why we, or more accurately, I thought it was best for them.

That is not to say they were completely without a say in our family life. We allowed them to talk about family activities and even I, in my imperious way, tried to accommodate them whether it was going for a walk, going to the beach, playing games and so on. Even at those times we did not always follow their ideas but as a rule, we wanted them to feel like they were part of life and not just a bystander watching my parade go by.

The need for big decisions involving them is very limited now but when there is a need, we involve them. The biggest discussion now is what happens when we retire. Do we stay in here in Helena? Do we move to Missoula? Once that question is asked, a much broader discussion then ensues as to what that will look like? I do want to be deferential to my wife. It is only fair since she has had little input regarding such matters over the last 40 years. I hope that we can discuss things from the perspective of partnership and joint decisions. In the end, it is import for me to obey her, not from the perspective of doing what she says but to obey by listening to her a the depth of an encounter.

Chapter 2, Part 7 January 15

Above all let her not neglect or undervalue  the welfare of the souls committed to her, in a greater concern for fleeting, earthly, perishable things; but let her always bear in mind that she has undertaken the government of souls and that she will have to give an account of them. And if she be tempted to allege a lack of earthly means, let her remember what is written:

"First seek the kingdom of God and His justice, and all these things shall be given you besides" (Ps. 33[34]:10).

And again:

"Nothing is wanting to those who fear Him."

Let her know, then, that she who has undertaken the government of souls must prepare herself to render an account of them. Whatever number of sisters she knows she has under her care, she may be sure beyond doubt that on Judgment Day she will have to give the Lord an account of all these souls, as well as of her own soul. Thus the constant apprehension about her coming examination as shepherd (Ezech. 34) concerning the sheep entrusted to her, and her anxiety over the account that must be given for others, make her careful of her own record. And while by her admonitions she is helping others to amend, she herself is cleansed of her faults.

******************************************************************************************

This last section of Chapter 2 before we move on to Chapter 3 is ongoing indictment of my lack of understanding of the role I accepted by sacramental and covenantal vow. I would have sworn to anyone in earshot that I never neglected or undervalued the welfare of the souls committed to me. More precisely, the welfare of the souls to whom I committed.

All I can offer in my defense is, well, nothing. Forgiveness is something I scarcely hope for because, as is always the case, forgiveness is not deserved or warranted. All I can offer in exchange is willingness to make amends but even amends I can offer are a pittance.

Understand my errors were not life threatening nor did they deprive my family of needed sustenance or material things but they are all the more grievous because I should have known better. I was warned but could not hear the warnings. There is also the matter of my suffering from disease that kept me from becoming the man I should have been, the man I wanted to be or the man I want to be today because I still find myself being tripped up by old patterns of behavior driven by character flaws that are still at work in my daily life. I don't want to wait until later to be held to account for my past errors, I want to embrace them now and to offer justice as I can, old fashioned justice which means to make things right.

I need help to even continue to make tiny steps. I need his grace and the gift of the spirit. 

Chapter 2, part 6 - January 14

Above all let her not neglect or undervalue the welfare of the souls committed to her, in a greater concern for fleeting, earthly, perishable things; but let her always bear in mind that she has undertaken the government of souls and that she will have to give an account of them. And if she be tempted to allege a lack of earthly means, let her remember what is written: "First seek the kingdom of God and His justice, and all these things shall be given you besides" (Ps. 33[34]:10). And again: "Nothing is wanting to those who fear Him." Let her know, then, that she who has undertaken the government of souls must prepare herself to render an account of them. Whatever number of sisters she knows she has under her care, she may be sure beyond doubt that on Judgment Day she will have to give the Lord an account of all these souls, as well as of her own soul. Thus the constant apprehension about her coming examination as shepherd (Ezech. 34) concerning the sheep entrusted to her, and her anxiety over the account that must be given for others, make her careful of her own record. And while by her admonitions she is helping others to amend, she herself is cleansed of her faults.

***********************************************

Several years ago I read an article that argued that children with fathers who regularly attended church services with the family  were much more likely to maintain an active church going practice as adults. I find this curious because it seems to fly in the face of conventional wisdom that the mother is more influential in maintaining an active church life.

Regardless of my perspective, there appears to be some truth to the idea that while mothers are the glue that binds families together, it is the father who is the role model.

While I was a regular church goer as my children were growing up, there would be long periods of time when I was not in a proper frame of mind to go with the family or I might be away hunting, fishing or whatever. I did not set the same example as other men I know whose children are still active.

Chapter 2, part 5 - January 13

The Abbess should always remember what she is and what she is called, and should know that to whom more is committed, from her more is required (Luke 12:48). Let her understand also what a difficult and arduous task she has undertaken: ruling souls and adapting herself to a variety of characters. One she must coax, another scold, another persuade, according to each one's character and understanding. Thus she must adjust and adapt herself to all in such a way that she may not only suffer no loss in the flock committed to her care, but may even rejoice in the increase of a good flock.

**********************************************************

Again, seeing myself as the "abbot" of my family, I can't claim to have always been mindful of my role. Yes, I tell you I was aware of my title and professed to knowing the role and responsibilities but being able to read the title of a book and knowing the contents are two different things. I was not, of course, a total washout but I would love to have had another focus, genuine interest in the well-being of the family rather than simply being worried about how I might be affected by anything said or done by one of my children or my spouse.

I wish I had done as well as parent and spouse as I did as a manager or boss. When there was nothing personal at stake, I could nail it but the minute my self-esteem or ego were at risk, watch out.

There is little call now to be a parent but I make every effort to be aware of what my role is and what is expected that I might be of service. Of course, I am still very much a work in progress with my spouse.