Chapter 7, part 4 - May 29

As for self-will, we are forbidden to do our own will by the Scripture, which says to us, "Turn away from your own will" (Eccles. 18:30), and likewise by the prayer in which we ask God that His will be done in us. And rightly are we taught not to do our own will when we take heed to the warning of Scripture: "There are ways which seem right, but the ends of them plunge into the depths of hell" (Prov. 16:25); and also when we tremble at what is said of the careless: "They are corrupt and have become abominable in their will."  And as for the desires of the flesh, let us believe with the Prophet that God is ever present to us, when he says to the Lord, "Every desire of mine is before You" (Ps. 37[38]:10).

This morning I decided to go down to the front of the hotel and sit on bench near the doorway to pray morning prayer and delight in the magnificence of the promised day to come. A gentle breeze ripped through the birch trees with quaked and shimmered like aspen. Small birds that were too far away to identify but might have been sparrows flitted from tree to tree chirping songs that are familiar but yet beyond may knowledge to identify. Crows cawed, magpies scolded, doves cooed sadly and the Robins were continuously in song just as they had been since before dawn. The morning was sublime, my mood peaceful and I picked up the breviary to pray as planned.

In that moment an elderly lady with silver gray hair tucked up in a bun, neatly but still subjected to several undominated hairs which fluttered in the breeze. She wore older aviator style glasses and walked slowly but purposely with a cane. She was dressed in a calf length denim dress topped by Farmer Brown style straps with fancy white blouse underneath. She wore dark blue stockings that I did not know were even still available for purchase. Perhaps they are not but she might have several pair hidden away in a chest drawers to break out when ever a pair finally gave out. Her shoes were the clunky white orthopedic shoes a nurse might have worn many years ago.

"Good morning," she said with a sideways smile as she limped past me. "Good morning to you," I responded back. It was my intended will to turn back to the prayer book and to get started as planned. I thought for a moment more and then added "What a beautiful morning, isn't it" with the intention of provoking a response from her. In that moment I responded to what God's will for me. I was intended to spend time with this lovely lady, I was called to be a friend a stranger, someone I would not likely ever see again. I found it curious she was staying in a relatively nice hotel when her station life based upon her presentation was more humble. Understand it is not my intent to downplay her in anyway but she just seemed out of place. Then again a man sitting by the front door of a hotel at 7 in the morning dressed in fleece might have seemed out of place to her.

I digress.

Over the next minutes we shared experiences, making connections with each other about when we first moved to Missoula, somewhere neither of us still lived. I learned about her simple humble faith after she asked me about the breviary and the crucifix I wore in plain view. She talked about her husband of 63 years who was struggling getting settled into a memory care unit and her frustrations with a life of partnership with someone who could no longer keep their part of the bargain. We agreed marriages were based upon professed covenants that required us to eternally keep our promises regardless of whether the party could or would continue to reciprocate.

Eventually it was time for her to go and for me to get ready for the day so prepared to part ways with best wishes and final pleasantries. Before she left, I aske her if I could offer a blessing and a prayer like I would someone I was visiting as a chaplain. She quickly accepted and I blessed her Numbers 6 and asked for our ability to each see God revealed to us during the day.

I turned away from my own will with barely a thought. She blessed my presence by reminding me that God's will for me to is to find ways be his servant in action and not just in silence and contemplation. I will seek silence another day, maybe tomorrow but I hope, I pray to remember that how I honor God best is to not be fearful about what I might do but to be confident to extend his mercies where I can and where they are needed.

His will, God, your will. Not mine. Amen.

Her name is Susie. Pause for a moment as your read this and join me in prayer for her and husband. They need our prayers and we need to pray for them.

Through the Eye, Back Into the Storm

2016 was the year of a great storm. The darkness loomed up and, like a great vortex, pulled me into the middle of it and then down and from there I swirled around and around as if I was tied onto a merry go round closed in with frosted glass. Eventually, the rotations slowed and the glass brightened to near transparency. The depression lifted in the fall in the weeks before the election. As my mood brightened from the darkness of the depression abyss, I began to experience a growing sense of doom as Election Day approached. I feared the outcome would lead to a hastened descent into a world where it was ok to declare war on my faith, the unborn, our first and second amendment rights, human life and so and on.

As election night unfolded, we are all stunned to see a completely unexpected outcome come to pass. The next day, there were still some losses, from my perspective, but there was a huge outrage from those who were shattered by the unpredicted results. At the time, I, however, I had a feeling the worst had passed. The storm was behind us and we could get on with the business of re-balancing the scales. With each passing day, however, paralysis continued to reach out and bog down any real chance of action. Other than some good Supreme Court appointments, very little positive has happened but, instead, we have never really been able to move out from under the effects of the lingering storm.

Three years later, it becomes clear to me that 2016 was not just a tornado that blew through and left us in blue skies with work to do to heal the wounds but it was the front wall of a hurricane and we have been bobbing along in the eye of the storm, buffeted by chaotic waves and gusting, swirling winds.

2020 is still 6 months away and yet the storm wall is looming up with darkness deeper than ever seen before. The winds that howl come from the edges while the greater number of us the middle are have been drowned out so completely it is as if we have a lost our voices.

Even with the the perspective of 7 decades of life, I wonder if have been naïve. My past experience is that both sides realized that the end of the day when the sun is setting and the wind is dying down, the job of governance remained possible and necessary. A compromise was found to pass budgets, to create laws and to allow society to stumble on to another day and another after that. The usual outcome was that no one was happy, no one way was crazy angry but an outcome was hammered out. There are some issues for which there is no compromise. Abortion is one example.  Assisted suicide is another.

What makes me fear the arrival of category 10 cataclysm?  Listen to the dialogue. My naivety encourages me to hope we can talk about the dividing issues. Gun control. Take prohibition of semi-automatics rifles off the table, we can talk about steps we can take to make us feel safer. Let’s talk about violence. Period. Not gun violence or any other single expression of violence but violence itself. Our current health care situation is unacceptable but we can find solutions that don’t require trampling the rights of one element of society to accomplish coverage for another.

The one issue that cannot be resolved is abortion. The split between pro-choice and pro-life proponents are not something we can simply put to rest. For one side, it is all about the right of a woman to keep or end a pregnancy. There is no consideration of the rights of the unborn human. In fact, it is fashionable to deny the life is even human at all so there is no harm in ending it. For the other, human life begins at conception and ends with natural death. The goal for many in the pro-life movement is to eliminate all abortion without consideration of circumstances.

Life, however, has to be lived in the muddy middle. I belong to the camp that believes all life is sacred and that anyone who has sex should be prepared for the possibility of life coming out of an act of procreation. That is not to say I don’t understand the has to balance the rights of both the woman and the baby. I have heard the horror stories about underage pregnancies, rape, incest, problem pregnancies or health complications. I have compassion for those who are caught in those tragic conundrums. I would be willing to talk about those issues if the other side would be willing to talk about the vast majority of abortions that occur because of perceived need or, horrifyingly, for reasons related to sex selection or Down Syndrome.

What has happened is a full-scale attack on the Roe v Wade prohibition of termination after viability. The idea of abortions being safe, legal and rare has been obliterated by demands for abortion at any time for any reason. There is, I fear, no solution, no resolution possible nor will there ever be, ever. In other words, we will forever be locked in an increasingly hostile confrontation which may well split the society permanently. Churches, families, states, counties will all be pitted one against the other. It is not inconceivable to me that it could end our way of life.

If all of these concerns come to pass, how will I respond?

There is one thing that is absolutely clear. If we can’t limit abortion, we have to eliminate it. Period. Human life is sacred from conception to natural death. No human has the right to take the life another human being, born or unborn. I am willing to discuss any of the ramifications of that position. Not just any ramification but all of them.

From a broader perspective, however, it is not safe for me to engage in the debate. I move quickly from anger to rage and once there, no civil discourse can ensue. If I can’t engage, I have to disengage. As a Catholic Christian, I am bound by duty and vow to commit to the furtherance of Catholic Social justice. I understand the call to action. The questions are how shall I respond. I believe I called not to rush into battle but to withdraw into silence to pray for God’s will to bear fruit.

My greatest fear is the polarization that is certain to come. Just as happened in the Civil War, families will be divided, one against the other. Relationships will be frayed, tattered, torn or even shredded beyond mending. I pray that will not happen. I know that as deeply as I hold my convictions on abortion, I hope to keep my focus on the issue, not the issue holder. We are not at war in literal with guns as we were during the Civil War and I pray war will not come.

Duality and Contradiction

Gifted poet, theologian, priest John O'Donohue suggested in his book "Walking in Wonder" humans are not simple but are, instead, complex. Rather than being settled into unified personalities with singleness of description, we are, in his words, contradictions.

Contradictions are not innately negative because we can all recognize such a thing as fruitful tension which blooms out a collision of possibilities. As I struggle to understand who I am and what I am supposed to be, I think of myself from a dangerous viewpoint of being either this or that. To continue to push this conflict toward a resolution may fail to allow for the possibility, no, the probability there is no resolution. One thing may never overcome the other and I will be forever split between 2 differing points.

Am I sinful or good? I fear sin and struggle to overcome the temptation to sin. I desire to be good but struggle to always act in a way that reflects my intention. In failing one do I automatically become the other? No. Not unless I allow myself to be frozen into duality where my existence can only be one or the other. Dual thinking fractures and freezes our creativity and stifles the search for our real discovery of what is not one or the other,  nor both but something else that that can integrate both. It is the in a third place we create that we find who really is - someone who is either moving toward good or evil as dictated by the direction we choose to face and to navigate toward. With respect to good and evil, we are becoming.

This is just one example of contradiction which may serve as an instigator for many others which bedevil and bless us.

I am an alcoholic in recovery. I police myself to not engage in the behaviors that prompted me to drink and cause such sorrow to my friends and family. I am choosing to direct my efforts toward recovery in order to leave the possibility of relapse grounded far behind me.

What is the the foundation of a decision to choose the right path which reflects Gods will for us? Acceptance. I accept I am sinful and an addict to alcohol. I can't change those facts nor should I because they are part of me.

My personality type is one that craves peace and my single-minded purpose is to avoid confrontation at all costs. Confrontation is inherent with contradiction. Confrontation requires us to engage another person with whom we disagree. Contradiction means we speak against one someone else has said.

The confrontation I fear and hate the most is when one part of me comes into conflict with another. My avoidance of confrontation is the root cause of my duality. The solution for negative tension bubbling out of my contradictions is to accept the challenge of laid down by my internal conflict.

There is that word again. Acceptance. To accept something is to make peace with it, to give it space to live within yourself. If I accept contradiction  I have to accept confrontation.

Acceptance does not require courage nor does it stamp out fear. It simply requires humility, which comes from humbleness that declares I am neither better or worse than anyone else, I simply am who I am and God sees me as I am. It is only from that point we can become willing to humbly accept (there are BOTH words) God's help and embrace the tools we have given. The tools we have been given are called charisms. We have accepted charisms with humility because they are unwarranted gifts offer by a merciful God through grace. Charisms are not just things we seize onto because we think they make others look on us favorably but they are intended not for our own glory but to serve the glory of God.

Understanding my charisms has to also understand the contradictions churned up by trying to discern what the charisms might and they should be offered to his service. This discussion is one to save for another day.

For today, embracing contradiction and using it for fruitful tension which pushes toward a proper tension rather than allowing it to paralyze me into frightened and confused inaction is enough to unpack. Begin to unpack, I mean.

Chapter 7, part 3 - May 28

Let a man consider that God is always looking at him from heaven, that his actions are everywhere visible to the divine eyes and are constantly being reported to God by the Angels. This is what the Prophet shows us when he represents God as ever present within our thoughts, in the words "Searcher of minds and hearts is God" (Ps. 7:10) and again in the words "The Lord knows the thoughts of men" (Ps. 93[94]:11). Again he says, "You have read my thoughts from afar" (Ps. 13[14]9:3) and "The thoughts of people will confess to You" (Ps. 75[76]:11). In order that he may be careful about his wrongful thoughts, therefore, let the faithful brother say constantly in his heart, "Then shall I be spotless before Him, if I have kept myself from my iniquity" (Ps. 17[18]:24).

Again, we have two choices. First we can be aware that God is constantly watching us and is aware of our actions and allow that to drive us into a fearful, as in afraid, response from a negative motivation to avoid reproach. The second choice is to view God's constant awareness as being freeing and comforting. Why hide what cannot be hidden? Why be afraid when the offer of joy found in seeking his will by acting rather to accept his offer rather than reacting to avoid his disappointment. We are called to live in joy in communion with him rather than to live in endless expiation to prevent condemnation.

There are many days when I fall prey to being locked in self-condemnation because of prior bad acts. I again engage in practical atheism by adopting an attitude that sins are too great to be forgiven or falling into despair because of the certainty I will fail to be humble and fall into error and sin. I know that in the scheme of things what I have done is nothing compared to those who commit mortal or capital sin without any intention of repentance. This is not to minimize the pain I have caused or might cause again. I owe a huge measure of amends to many and I am ever mindful of that but if far greater sins can and are forgiven, so mine can be as well. This attitude leads to sense of shame and humiliation which is the true reverse of humbleness. Same work, humiliation but a far different meanings.

Today I seek to be humble and to turn away from my humiliation by pausing now to ask for forgiveness.

Chapter 7, part 2 - May 27

The first degree of humility, then, is that a person keep the fear of God before his eyes and beware of ever forgetting it. Let him be ever mindful of all that God has commanded; let his thoughts constantly recur to the hell-fire which will burn for their sins those who despise God, and to the life everlasting which is prepared for those who fear Him. Let him keep himself at every moment from sins and vices,

whether of the mind, the tongue, the hands, the feet, or the self-will, and check also the desires of the flesh.

We have two different ways of looking at this passage. We are admonished to keep the fear of God before our eyes and we are also challenged to be mindful of the consequences of not being mindful of what all God has commanded of us.

Fear as used seems to support the dreadful potential of burning in hell-fire. We should be fearful of that outcome but I prefer to not focus on negative outcomes, not because I have I don't accept that there is such a thing as hell-fire because it surely exists but fear in this instance really means fear in the original sense of the word which is synonymous with awe. When we say our God is fearsome God what we really want to say is our God is an awesome God, a God who is not anxious to doom us to life in darkness but desires only the best for us, He wants us to be glad to be with him, to rejoice in his presence.

This God is one who is worthy of our awe and who does not want our fear as in being afraid. In the 14 centuries since Benedict wrote this rule, we have come to see God as who sent His Son to redeem us and not condemn us. We are invited but not threatened.

What does not change is the need for humility which means we have to be willing to let God be God and not take try to chart our own destiny. It takes humility to bend our will to ask for God to reveal his will for us. There are times when I fail to bow in respect and humbleness, not because of pride or willful disobedience but because I don't stop to think. When we begin making decisions in the morning as simple as choosing what to wear or what to eat for breakfast, we let ourselves be conditioned to continue make decisions of increasing importance eventually leading us to thinking that what ever we decide to do must be the correct decision because our intentions are honorable.

I heard this to be referred to as practical atheism. While we confess to the existence and omnipotence of God, we deny him the opportunity to be God for us by not stopping to consider what he would have do and in so doing we deny his power by failing to turn our lives over to him. The slope to preaching belief but living disbelief is a slippery slide that can befall us without warning.

Proper humility allows us to welcome God into our lives and to move toward unity with him and his plan. The good news is that no matter how many times we take up what we should lay day through misplaced pride, intentional or not, we will be forgiven, the act forgotten and we will be invited to find humbleness and joy in submission that is not defeat.

Chapter 7: On Humility Part 1 - May 26

Holy Scripture, brethren, cries out to us, saying, "Everyone who exalts himself shall be humbled, and he who humbles himself shall be exalted" (Luke 14:11). In saying this it shows us that all exaltation is a kind of pride, against which the Prophet proves himself to be on guard when he says, "Lord, my heart is not exalted, nor are mine eyes lifted up; neither have I walked in great matters, nor in wonders above me" (Ps. 130[131]:1)But how has he acted "Rather have I been of humble mind than exalting myself; as a weaned child on its mother's breast, so You solace my soul" (Ps. 130[131]:2).

Hence, brethren, if we wish to reach the very highest point of humility and to arrive speedily at that heavenly exaltation to which ascent is made through the humility of this present life, we must by our ascending actions erect the ladder Jacob saw in his dream, on which Angels appeared to him descending and ascending. By that descent and ascent we must surely understand nothing else than this, that we descend by self-exaltation and ascend by humility. And the ladder thus set up is our life in the world, which the Lord raises up to heaven if our heart is humbled. For we call our body and soul the sides of the ladder, and into these sides our divine vocation has inserted the different steps of humility and discipline we must climb.

Yesterday, I finally overcame a year, or two, long bout with a severe lack of motivation to clean the gutters of our house, particularly the gutter along the back of the house that has become so clogged and in need of maintenance, water would simply run over the end cap and splatter on the deck. In the winter, snow melt would drip off the gutter and freeze in an ever widening puddle of ice on the deck.

Part of my reticence, beyond sheer laziness is I have a mild fear of heights that flares up at inconvenient times such as when I need to shinny up a ladder for whatever reason. A lifetime of handling claims for injuries ranging from minor to catastrophic caused by a fall from a ladder does not help me overcome my jitters. It can literally take an enormous effort to get the ladder squarely positioned and to step up on the first rung. After repositioning the ladder a few times and making a few trips up and down, the anxiety eases and I eventually stop worrying about the ladder sliding over or tipping backward. I have long understand the logic of why exposure to that which you fear eases the intensity of the emotion.

Benedict challenges us to climb the ladder to embrace humility rather than descending to seek exaltation. A fear of heights is something I would dearly love to conquer, not that my phobia, if you can stretch what I have far enough to be called a phobia, is crippling or life altering. I would, however, like to be able to inch up to the edge of a precipice or cliff without my stomach churning like I had swallowed a hive of bees. Humility is something that I would love to possess but somehow the imagery of climbing a ladder as reward for seeking humility is something which seems disconnected for me.

True spiritual humility can so often be at cross purposes with what Father Keating described as our emotion programs of happiness. The wounds I carry forward from child cause me to cry out to be seen, to be recognized as worthy of acceptance, to have value to others  and to be someone to not left behind or deserted.

I am, of course, not alone. We all have wounds, all of us. Of course, the extent of the wounds, their depth and the degree they continue to hobble us vary from person to person. My drive to seek Benedictine spirituality is a reflection of my growing awareness that continuing to seek affirmation from others by trying to make myself important or useful is really Quixotical ride. Other humans can't give me what they need beyond to reflect back to me whatever it is I am projecting. I might see myself as a glittering sign board but the reality is I am faded neon sign buzzing and flickering in endless effort to display what it was meant say.

Humility which is what is truly attractive to others simply seems to be contrary to what I need to pursue. Humility requires me to climb the ladder by turning off the flickering lights, turning down the volume and sit back to wait to be recognized as someone filled with a spirit of love, peace, gratitude and a genuine desire to share what is important about life and not just trivialities.

To seek humility is for me as challenging as climbing a ladder. Perhaps I can learn from one how to do the other. I value humility in others above almost everything else. The desire to find it for myself is strong enough for me to check the ladder for stability, grab on to the sides and take that first step up.

Chapter 4: What Are the Instruments of Good Works? May 19

1. In the first place, to love the Lord God with the whole heart, the whole soul, the whole strength. 
2. Then, one's neighbor as oneself.
3. Then not to murder.
4. Not to commit adultery.
5. Not to steal.
6. Not to covet.
7. Not to bear false witness.
8. To honor all (1 Peter 2:17).
9. And not to do to another what one would not have done to oneself.
10. To deny oneself in order to follow Christ.
11. To chastise the body.
12. Not to become attached to pleasures.
13. To love fasting.
14. To relieve the poor.
15. To clothe the naked.
16. To visit the sick.
17. To bury the dead.
18. To help in trouble.
19. To console the sorrowing.
20. To become a stranger to the world's ways.
21. To prefer nothing to the love of Christ. *************************************************
For the next couple of reflections we are going to get a lesson on the definition of good works. In Latin they are Opera Bono. There is much in this rule to consider, enough to break the reflection into three parts

Part 1
The first two are obvious. They are to love the Lord with all we have and to love our neighbor as we love ourselves. In truth, we fully lived out these two precepts, the remainder of the list are really just window dressing or reminders of things to consider as we contemplate Opera Bono.

We next encounter a line of things to avoid taken from the Old Testament 10 Commandments. This is not a list for someone with a shrinking attitude toward service. There are some real whoppers just in the first 21. To honor all? It was one thing to grudgingly love someone who irritates you but to honor them? Ugh. We are not to be attached to pleasures. What does this mean? Pleasures like a good cup of coffee or a bite of Tillamook Moose Tracks Ice Cream? How about watching a movie or eating a good rib-eye steak grilled to perfection. Just what is meant here?

We continue. To chastise the body. Come again? We have to beyond avoiding pleasures and this as well? How about visit the sick. Who really likes to be around sick people? And as for burying the dead. There are people who do that kind of thing. Not me. Never have but I guess I best not say I never will. Another shoe is no doubt going to drop at some point.

I don't mind the concept of feeding and clothing those in need. I can hand off money and old clothes as well as anyone. To help in trouble and to console the sorrowing aren't really that difficult. Are they? What if I cannot chose to any of those things according my time frame and or desires? Then it will get tough. Really tough.

Part 2
Finally we get to 20 and 21. These two stop me cold.

So cold, in fact that I did not finish my comments on this section when I first danced with this chapter in January. What stopped me? I suppose the idea of becoming a stranger to the ways of the world puzzled me because from the moment we begin to venture out into the world beyond the grasp of mother's hand, we are expected to learn the ways of society, culture, church, community which are all part of the world. To enter into the the life of a monastery, we have to put all that we know about the world aside, actually to it all behind and to learn only what we need to know about living by the rule and to enter into the community of God.

Who the Broncos selected in the draft, what the mayor said about trimming trees along the boulevard, what my neighbors planted in their garden, what the British parliament is doing about Brexit are no longer important. What is important is if the beans we planted are popping up as they should, will enough rain fall today or will we need to water, or how my neighbor is recovering well from her surgery. I can bring her soup if she is hungry. I can't stop the crises at the border. I can feed the birds that visit my yard but I can't stop one single abortion today or, more importantly, turn around the despair of a pregnant women so she will find a better a choice than to end the life within her. I can pray for all such women and I do.

To live a consecrated life within the walls of a monastery makes it easier, I think, to become a stranger to all that is outside. To live in the world and have to engage the variety of people I do during the course of the day makes being a stranger difficult. In fact, I suspect we have to become very specific about ways which we should follow and which we should not. The people I encounter are my responsibility. God has called us to love one another and love by its nature builds togetherness which results in familiarity, the opposite of strangeness.

There are some, no, many ways of the world to which I would like to become a stranger and there is no doubt those ways like to have me be a stranger.

Part 3
Number 21 is the most striking of the lot. To prefer nothing to the love of Christ says it all. Everything else we do, or do not do, supports or detracts from this goal. The love of Christ is the highest summit, the deepest abyss and the farthest point of our travels in search of a life in him. Nothing else matters, or, for most of us, should matter. We struggle with this, we stumble and fall, slip and slide forward and back but also side to side. Sometimes we feel we are getting to the point where we can say we prefer nothing to that love but then cock crows and we realize we have been deceiving ourselves. Like Peter, we know our pride and ego have betrayed and instead of being humble we are humiliated. I prefer nothing else to his love but how difficult is to focus to the point of the exclusion of all else on that love.

In the crazy chaos of life, our preference must not be made but once but we need to make a choice everyday, not just once a day, but every time we are exposed to an alternative to that love and this happens every moment of our wakefulness.

As I write this, my attention drifts out the window before me and I watch the magpies jump from branch to branch in the tree in front of me. They pop down to the the feeder which has been emptied of peanuts earlier in the day. Still they check over and over again. Once magpie, a large male has perched on branch directly in front of me and is staring in at me, cocking his head first left and then right over and over again. I know he sees me. He knows I see him. He wants more peanuts but they have given all they will get in one day.

The love is Christ is not like this little drama. I have been given everything I need not just for now at this moment but for my entire life. My gifts to the birds are not like that at all. The big male, whom I call Ringo, is hoping for something more from me. He will be disappointed just I will be disappointed if I place my hopes in the things of the world. The peanuts I offer are just a small part of what Ringo needs to consume in day. Somedays I don't feed them at all. Nothing of this world can replace the gifts of love from the God, our creator, Christ, our savior which come to us in the soft winds of the Holy Spirit.

Ringo, frustrated with me, chatters at me, scolding me and flies off. I turn my attention back to the love of Christ though which I have the capacity to engage in his creation. This is one of the gifts of choosing to prefer nothing but the love of Christ