Chapter 7: On Humility Part 1 - May 26

Holy Scripture, brethren, cries out to us, saying, "Everyone who exalts himself shall be humbled, and he who humbles himself shall be exalted" (Luke 14:11). In saying this it shows us that all exaltation is a kind of pride, against which the Prophet proves himself to be on guard when he says, "Lord, my heart is not exalted, nor are mine eyes lifted up; neither have I walked in great matters, nor in wonders above me" (Ps. 130[131]:1)But how has he acted "Rather have I been of humble mind than exalting myself; as a weaned child on its mother's breast, so You solace my soul" (Ps. 130[131]:2).

Hence, brethren, if we wish to reach the very highest point of humility and to arrive speedily at that heavenly exaltation to which ascent is made through the humility of this present life, we must by our ascending actions erect the ladder Jacob saw in his dream, on which Angels appeared to him descending and ascending. By that descent and ascent we must surely understand nothing else than this, that we descend by self-exaltation and ascend by humility. And the ladder thus set up is our life in the world, which the Lord raises up to heaven if our heart is humbled. For we call our body and soul the sides of the ladder, and into these sides our divine vocation has inserted the different steps of humility and discipline we must climb.

Yesterday, I finally overcame a year, or two, long bout with a severe lack of motivation to clean the gutters of our house, particularly the gutter along the back of the house that has become so clogged and in need of maintenance, water would simply run over the end cap and splatter on the deck. In the winter, snow melt would drip off the gutter and freeze in an ever widening puddle of ice on the deck.

Part of my reticence, beyond sheer laziness is I have a mild fear of heights that flares up at inconvenient times such as when I need to shinny up a ladder for whatever reason. A lifetime of handling claims for injuries ranging from minor to catastrophic caused by a fall from a ladder does not help me overcome my jitters. It can literally take an enormous effort to get the ladder squarely positioned and to step up on the first rung. After repositioning the ladder a few times and making a few trips up and down, the anxiety eases and I eventually stop worrying about the ladder sliding over or tipping backward. I have long understand the logic of why exposure to that which you fear eases the intensity of the emotion.

Benedict challenges us to climb the ladder to embrace humility rather than descending to seek exaltation. A fear of heights is something I would dearly love to conquer, not that my phobia, if you can stretch what I have far enough to be called a phobia, is crippling or life altering. I would, however, like to be able to inch up to the edge of a precipice or cliff without my stomach churning like I had swallowed a hive of bees. Humility is something that I would love to possess but somehow the imagery of climbing a ladder as reward for seeking humility is something which seems disconnected for me.

True spiritual humility can so often be at cross purposes with what Father Keating described as our emotion programs of happiness. The wounds I carry forward from child cause me to cry out to be seen, to be recognized as worthy of acceptance, to have value to others  and to be someone to not left behind or deserted.

I am, of course, not alone. We all have wounds, all of us. Of course, the extent of the wounds, their depth and the degree they continue to hobble us vary from person to person. My drive to seek Benedictine spirituality is a reflection of my growing awareness that continuing to seek affirmation from others by trying to make myself important or useful is really Quixotical ride. Other humans can't give me what they need beyond to reflect back to me whatever it is I am projecting. I might see myself as a glittering sign board but the reality is I am faded neon sign buzzing and flickering in endless effort to display what it was meant say.

Humility which is what is truly attractive to others simply seems to be contrary to what I need to pursue. Humility requires me to climb the ladder by turning off the flickering lights, turning down the volume and sit back to wait to be recognized as someone filled with a spirit of love, peace, gratitude and a genuine desire to share what is important about life and not just trivialities.

To seek humility is for me as challenging as climbing a ladder. Perhaps I can learn from one how to do the other. I value humility in others above almost everything else. The desire to find it for myself is strong enough for me to check the ladder for stability, grab on to the sides and take that first step up.