Contradictions are
not innately negative because we can all recognize such a thing as fruitful
tension which blooms out a collision of possibilities. As I struggle to
understand who I am and what I am supposed to be, I think of myself from a
dangerous viewpoint of being either this or that. To continue to push this
conflict toward a resolution may fail to allow for the possibility, no, the
probability there is no resolution. One thing may never overcome the other and
I will be forever split between 2 differing points.
Am I sinful or good?
I fear sin and struggle to overcome the temptation to sin. I desire to be good
but struggle to always act in a way that reflects my intention. In failing one
do I automatically become the other? No. Not unless I allow myself to be frozen
into duality where my existence can only be one or the other. Dual thinking
fractures and freezes our creativity and stifles the search for our real
discovery of what is not one or the other,
nor both but something else that that can integrate both. It is the in a
third place we create that we find who really is - someone who is either
moving toward good or evil as dictated by the direction we choose to face and
to navigate toward. With respect to good and evil, we are becoming.
This is just one
example of contradiction which may serve as an instigator for many others which
bedevil and bless us.
I am an alcoholic in
recovery. I police myself to not engage in the behaviors that prompted me to drink
and cause such sorrow to my friends and family. I am choosing to direct my
efforts toward recovery in order to leave the possibility of relapse grounded far
behind me.
What is the
the foundation of a decision to choose the right path which reflects Gods will for
us? Acceptance. I accept I am sinful and an addict to alcohol. I can't change
those facts nor should I because they are part of me.
My personality type
is one that craves peace and my single-minded purpose is to avoid confrontation
at all costs. Confrontation is inherent with contradiction. Confrontation
requires us to engage another person with whom we disagree. Contradiction means
we speak against one someone else has said.
The confrontation I
fear and hate the most is when one part of me comes into conflict with another.
My avoidance of confrontation is the root cause of my duality. The solution for
negative tension bubbling out of my contradictions is to accept the challenge
of laid down by my internal conflict.
There is that word
again. Acceptance. To accept something is to make peace with it, to give it
space to live within yourself. If I accept contradiction I have to accept confrontation.
Acceptance does not
require courage nor does it stamp out fear. It simply requires humility, which
comes from humbleness that declares I am neither better or worse than anyone
else, I simply am who I am and God sees me as I am. It is only from that point
we can become willing to humbly accept (there are BOTH words) God's help and
embrace the tools we have given. The tools we have been given are called
charisms. We have accepted charisms with humility because they are unwarranted
gifts offer by a merciful God through grace. Charisms are not just things we
seize onto because we think they make others look on us favorably but they
are intended not for our own glory but to serve the glory of God.
Understanding my
charisms has to also understand the contradictions churned up by trying to
discern what the charisms might and they should be offered to his service. This
discussion is one to save for another day.
For today, embracing
contradiction and using it for fruitful tension which pushes toward a proper
tension rather than allowing it to paralyze me into frightened and confused
inaction is enough to unpack. Begin to unpack, I mean.
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